America's Got Talent
Season 3 Episode 4

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Is This the Line for the Olympic Tryouts?

I tuned in early to NBC so I wouldn't miss the start of our show and, boy, am I glad I did because Celebrity Family Feud featured the staff of The Office. And by staff I mean all the actors whose real names you don't know. Now don't get me wrong, one thing I love about that show is that the characters are so realistic (and the actors so good at being understated) that it is incredibly difficult to imagine certain actors as anyone but the character they play on TV. Luckily the writers and producers of Celebrity Family Feud know this and made the actors wear nametags with their character's name on it to avoid confusion with reality. Thanks guys! So the lesser-known players from The Office are competing against some crew of misfits billed as "Camden County." I don't know who that lot is, but they looked like the cast for the remake of The Beverly Hillbillies where Jed is a drunken lifeguard and Ma is a two-bit Mary Ann with Janis Joplin hair. As the show's producers would have it, the staff from The Office handily beat the actors? (seasonal residents? janitorial staff?) of Camden County. Oscar then won $50,000 (for his favorite charity, natch). Go Oscar! Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Last week 43 million people willingly lost brain cells to watch this show. 43 million. Welcome back to America's Got Talent and hello ... Atlanta? WTF?? My DVR info clearly stated that we were going to be in Las Vegas this week for callbacks. I was very excited to be done with the idiot parade that has made up the auditions thus far. I was ready for stock footage of the Las Vegas strip. I was prepared for shots of casinos and dramatic camera angles of slot machines. I was even prepared for a glimpse of either Celine Dion or Cirque du Soleil. I was ready. I even had half a bottle of Trader Joe's finest three-dollar wine (chilled even!). I was prepared. I was not prepared for more Atlanta auditions. Unless they are bringing back Busty Heart. Then I am prepared. Did y'all see this ? It's amazing! And totally NSFW. As if Busty Heart is ever safe for work.

So Atlanta. Home of The Hoff. Also home to The Varsity, a restaurant that serves up to 20,000 hot dogs a day. That's right, 20,000. A day. They also make a mean deep-fried pie. God Bless America. Speaking of America, are you aware that America has Talent? Yes that capital "T" is there for a reason. For here in America, and, certainly here in Atlanta, a mere talent does not suffice. No, here it is Talent! Here to prove this point is Billy Dodson, a health inspector with an amazing falsetto. He sings opera (sorry Grandpa I have no idea which aria this is!) until he gets buzzed. First Piers, then Sharon, then The Hoff. Sharon asks him if the song he sang was written for a man or a woman. Billy Dodson woefully informs her that it was written for a woman. Sharon snaps, "Sing like a man!" Which is pretty rudely sexist if you ask me. Sharon, I thought better of you! I don't know why, but I did. Billy Dodson slinks off the stage. I thought he was brave if not good. Next up is a pretty little girl who is dressed to match the upholstery. That takes Talent in and of itself. She is precious and her Dad has complicated facial hair (Now on E!, Dad's Facial Hair: It's Complicated). Without explaining what her talent is she yessirs The Hoff and is generally all sunshine and pigtails. She introduces herself as Alex Pyles and she is ten. The Hoff sends her off to perform and on cue she starts kicking her Dad's ass. Apparently her talent is dishing out ass whuppings. She is pretty awesome. She does backflips off her Dad, she flips her Dad on his back, and she does not go gentle with the family jewels landing not one but two separate kicks. Hopefully she already has siblings. Obviously Piers buzzes a minute in to the performance. Sharon and The Hoff let her finish as the audience is clearly rooting for her. When her routine is over Little Miss Sunshine is standing on her father's collapsed frame with her foot aimed once again at the merchandise. David asks her to be his new security guard and to negotiate his next contract, which was almost funny, but not quite. Sharon asks her what she would do differently in Las Vegas. Tiny little Alex announces that she would bring in multiple attackers and fend them off with cuteness! Sharon joins Hasselhoff in voting her through to Vegas. Honestly she is like the bunny in Monty Python and The Holy Grail..

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America's Got Talent

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