I have never watched this show before. I just need to say that upfront before I get my inbox flooded with letters about how great last season was. I know nothing about this show. I have no idea what I am in for. Luckily Jerry Springer's disembodied Voice is here to tell me that last season's winner, Terry Fator, just signed a $100 million dollar contract to play in Vegas and that feat makes him the most successful reality star ever. (Suck it, Tila!) The Voice introduces the judges-- Piers Morgan, Sharon Osbourne, and David Hasselhoff, presented Iron Chef-style standing in the spotlights with their arms crossed and glowering at the camera.

According to The Voice, the winner of America's Got Talent (AGT, if you please) gets a million dollars and something that money can't buy. They don't tell us what that might be, so I assume it's good hair. Sure you can pay $400 for a haircut with Nick Arrojo or Frederick Fekkai, but if you are just born with good hair (or win it on a reality show) you can save your money for stocks and bonds and what is more American than that? The voiceover ominously informs us that America's Got Talent is a world of talent, a world of dreams, and a world of pain, and I think Disney really missed an opportunity when they skipped that part in their It's a Small World ride.

Following a montage of Americans reveling in their talents, our host, Jerry Springer, repeats exactly what The Voice already said: Terry Fator just signed a $100 million dollar contract in Vegas making him the most successful reality star ever. Next we are (re-) introduced to our judges. Piers Morgan is presented first as the winner of Celebrity Apprentice so I guess he can suck it, too, since Terry Fator just signed a $100 million dollar contract in Vegas making him the most successful reality star ever and Piers is just Donald Trump's bitch. Sharon Osbourne is named the First Lady of Rock, which makes my inner rock critic grind her teeth. Sharon explains that this competition is an emotional rollercoaster for her, which I think Paxil just might cure. David Hasselhoff is introduced as "The Legend That is David Hasselhoff." I think I am going to make people (my mom) start introducing me like that, too! It has a lovely ring to it. Jerry Springer then introduces the judges' buzzers. They buzz loudly and in order and my Chihuahua glares at the television. Jerry let's us know that the winner of AGT gets a million dollars and a show in Vegas, which, in my opinion, is nothing compared to naturally good hair. Look at Wayne Newton. Look at Siegfried (pre-tiger attack). Look at Celine. They all have awful hair and have shows in Vegas. I'm just saying.

1 2 3 4 5Next