Live from Los Angeles (with portions pre-recorded) it's America's Got Talent! As we were gathered around the dining room table, just before I jumped up to rudely ditch my dinner guests to watch this show, my sister-in-law asked me, "So who's winning?" Before I could sigh and smash my head into the rump roast, my brother sagely replied, "America." At that I lifted my weary head, for he was right. America is winning this talent competition. We sat through the world's longest audition cycle. We snacked while the judges weighed their options during the Vegas callbacks. We watched last week. We voted. Whoever wins this thing, it will be America who really wins -- for watching, voting, and catapulting the winner, be it him or her or puffy balloon dancers, to fame. We win because we have talent. Right? Right? C'mon people! I'm trying to instill meaning into this tomfoolery. Who's with me?
As you may recall, last week five acts were eliminated. Ten more performed. So who performed last week? The Beyond Belief Dance Company, Paul Salos (Fake Frank), Kazual, Zooperstars!, The Wright Kids, Jonathon Arons (trombone dancer), Daniel Jens (Soldier Boy), Slippery Kittens (Embarrassing Moms), George the Giant (human pinata), and Queen Emily. Tonight is judgment day. Rather, judgment night. Then ten new acts will perform, we will vote, and the carousel goes around again. Whee! But before we can get there, we must sit through Jerry Springer's oddly jingoistic speech. He must be trying to instill meaning into this tomfoolery, too. Thanks for the help, J-man! He reminds us of the prize money, the Vegas show, the names of the judges, the sound of their buzzers, and the hooting audience. Jerry asks Piers about using his buzzer last week during several of the acts. Piers scoffs, "We're not hosting a tea party, Jerry. It's the world's largest talent show." Jerry rejoins, "And the last time we had a tea party... you guys lost!" Sharon looks scandalized and The Hoff almost falls out of his chair, despite the fact that Jerry's comment makes absolutely no sense. [Because they're British, get it? Come to think of it, why are two Brits judging Americans? Outrage! - Zach] Maybe it was the thrilling intonation? Sharon reminds us that she crushed the dreams of Pirate Jenny last week. She is now haunted by her crying visage. The Hoff was saying something, but I drifted off. I swear his voice works better than Sominex. Jerry ushers last week's challengers up on stage for judgment. We get a montage of their on and off stage antics. Nothing too interesting in the backstage tidbits, just a bunch of acts saying, "I thought they would like us, but I guess they didn't. We tried our hardest. Now it's up to America!"