America's Got Talent

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Ten Little Shockers

Live from Los Angeles (with portions pre-recorded) it's America's Got Talent!. It's Judgment Night for the Top 20 performers. We find out who will be winnowed from the chaff. We see who sinks and who swims. We determine the winners and the losers. The big fish from the bait. I'll stop now.

Jerry has all of the Top 20 performers on stage. He promises shocking votes. I can't wait to be shocked. Maybe all of America voted exclusively for the Zooperstars and it will be an all-costumed-puffy-balloon finale. Awesome much? Jerry also promises that it will be an emotional night for all the performers as well as for the judges. He introduces the judges, who look amused that they are supposed to be emotional about any of the acts. It's their day job, how much can they really care? Piers looks dapper enough in his blazer and white shirt. Sharon is fine in black and white. The Hoff is wearing an unbuttoned button-up shirt with a vest. Can we pass the hat around and buy him a few sessions with a stylist? I just can't bear the continued sight of his chest. Baywatch was like 20 years ago.

Jerry introduces a quick recap video montage of the Top Twenty acts. There's Cadence and Queen Emily. Look at those adorable Wright Kids. The James Gang and their missteps. Soldier Boy and his fight-inducing performance. My poor Zooperstars! Fake Frank and Extreme Dance FX and their spokesmodel. I whisk away a tear as I realize we won't be seeing some of these fine folks again. When the video ends, Jerry has Tuesday night's performers on stage. He reminds us that the first four acts are chosen by America. The fifth act will be chosen by the judges. And just like that it's time for judgment!

Jerry starts the festivities by calling up the Wright Kids and the Zooperstars, who are shockingly out-of-costume. The boys under those ridiculous costumes are so suave and slick and gelled that, honest to God, I thought it was The Cadence. Who knew? Maybe they should have performed just once without costumes just so they could win the girlie votes. The only reason I knew it was the Zooperstars is because the star-crossed duck is loping around in the background. Jerry does us all a favor and gets to the point quickly. The Wright Kids enter the Top Ten and the Zooperstars go back to entertaining baseball fans.

Next to face the axe are... Whoa. Neal E. Boyd is going up against Queen Emily. Everyone looks shocked. Sharon is gasping for air like a strangled marmoset. The Hoff is out of his chair tugging at his hair in horror. Neal E. Boyd is taking it in nervous stride, but Queen Emily looks like she is going to pass out or barf or both simultaneously. Kind of like Janis Joplin. As Jerry drags the shocking face-off out as long as possible before announcing that they both are moving forward. Shocker! The audience shrieks in relief and joy. The Hoff mouths, "That's terrible!" Queen Emily and Neal E. Boyd shuffle off stage left to the Winner's Circle.

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America's Got Talent

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