Oh, I see how the show is planning on keeping my interest: Theme week! This week's theme is "Heroes Week" and each of the acts is going to be dedicating their performance to their hero. (Jesus.) Did I somehow miss every other week's theme? Or is this the only week that had a theme? Why now? If we've watched the show this long, we're already suckers sucked in. Why bring a theme now, when we're so close to the end? Why heroes? Why not favorite foods? "I dedicate this song to... ham. Ham, you've gotten me through so many long lonely nights. And remember that one Easter? I don't know what I would do without you. Ham, you're my hero." Now that would be far more interesting than hearing ten people dedicate songs to Jesus.

Up first is Paul Salos. Paul Salos has been stalking Frank Sinatra since he was a boy. They grew up together in New York. He was always a huge fan. He used to hang around outside Frank Sinatra's house and send him letters with locks of hair and his teeth. He has put his whole life into this Fake Frank thing. He is here to win. He is singing New York, New York. He struts onstage with an armful of showgirls. He looks like a little old man and is a bit lost and struggles to get his footing. He sings well enough, but he doesn't sparkle. He gets half a verse into the song and Piers buzzes him. When he finishes Piers asks him how he feels being on stage in at this point in the competition. Fake Frank pulls out his ear trumpet and says, "Pardon me, sir?" Piers asks again, and Fake Frank replies that he is thrilled to be there. Piers says he did Frank Sinatra proud, but he buzzed because when he asks himself "the ultimate question" he doesn't think Fake Frank is worth a million bucks. Piers thinks he's a million-dollar guy, but a not a million-dollar act. As the audience boos, Sharon tells Fake Frank he was great and it is up to America, not Piers and The Hoff jumps in to add that he thinks Fake Frank will be in the Top Five. I like Piers's "ultimate question," it's like Indecent Proposal, but without Robert Redford or Woody Harrelson or Demi Moore. Jerry thanks Fake Frank and ushers the little old man off stage.