Can you believe that we're already at the Big Finale? That mere minutes from now we will anoint a newly minted most Talented American? It's been a long long journey, so before we get to the Momentous Moment, let's play "Remember When." Remember the five weeks of auditions that samba'd across this nation with all the grace of Cloris Leachman? Remember the quaint intros to each city? Dallas in Dallas? Peachy goodness in Atlanta? Big Apple kookiness in New York? Remember the judges? Piers, Sharon, and our resident American, David Hasselhoff? Remember when Piers told The Hoff he hated his stinking floor-cheeseburger-eating guts and then pantsed Sharon? Okay that didn't happen, but it could have! That's how wacky this season has been! There was the bus-stop dancer Ronnie B. There was the human piñata George. There was little, tiny Kaitlyn and Busty Heart. There were the Zooperstars! There were 492 (more or less) sob stories, 318 cloggers, 286 magicians, 142 singer-songwriters, 96 singer dancers, 48 variety acts, 18 impersonators, nine barnyard sound-makers, two yellow-clad married duet singers and one winner, adding up to about a million hours of fun. Yet here we are. At the end. The deal is done. The winner is already selected. Who will be winning that $1 million prize and the Vegas show? We'll get to that in a minute. But first we have one more hurdle to get through. One last pernicious obstacle to face together. That's right little Kaitlyn is scheduled to perform. Somebody hold me.
Live from Los Angeles (with portions pre-recorded) it's America's Got Talent! Jerry steps out on stage looking unusually dapper in a non-bow tie tuxedo. He promises special guests, extraordinary live acts, and a winner in what he swears was the closest vote ever. He ushers the five finalists on to the stage: Nuttin' but Stringz, Donald Braswell, Neal E. Boyd, Eli Mattson and Queen Emily. I think they're all wearing the same outfits that they wore during the final performances last week. It confuses me. Isn't this supposed to be live? Was it live last week and now it's recorded? Why are they wearing the same clothes? Jerry asks The Hoff if he sees a clear-cut winner standing onstage. The Hoff plays it cool and gives everyone a gold star, a pat on the ass and a cupcake. Jerry introduces a special number where the Top 10 Finalists all perform together. Obviously, it's a train wreck.