America's Got Talent
Season 3 Episode 3

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Don't You Take My Achy Breaky Busty Hearts

Holly Hardin is up next. She works at Radio Shack, but wants to be a country music singer. She sings a countrified version of Nancy Sinatra's "These Boots are Made for Walkin'." In my opinion, if attempted country singer was a crime she would be arrested, but for some reason the judges sort of like her. Sharon feels that her voice is great for speaking (think ersatz Kelly Pickler, if there is anything harder to listen to than that) but she loses it when she sings. Ouch! Piers inexplicably likes her, but it seems like he might be pushing her through just because he is in America and Americans like this sort of thing. The same way they like Pabst Blue Ribbon and Frito Lay Cheese Dip and re-runs of Magnum PI. Ironically, but not really. The Hoff can't decide. The editors leave us hanging during the commercial break. Upon our return the judges are mysteriously giving the girl a second chance despite having just told Juli Blue, the tap-dancing ukulele-playing cowgirl, that there were no second chances. Come back, Juli Blue, I have no idea what you are capable of and I really want to know where you were going with that hat and skirt and ukulele and tap shoes! Come back! Fake Kelly Pickler tells the judges that the first time she ever got on a plane was to come see them and then she belts out two lines of "9 to 5" Dolly Parton-style and everyone votes her through. I will admit her Dolly was better than her Nancy, but still if this show wants to be taken seriously the editors need to stop featuring watered down versions of contestants from other reality shows.

Things are looking up in Dallas as Duo Genesis performs. They are acrobats dressed like Masters of the Universe characters and they impress the judges with their ability to simultaneously hold each other up in the air and keep straight faces. Next to impress the judges is an eleven-year old named Lewis Warren Jr. who brings the audience to their feet with his piano playing prowess. Jerry hugs the kid's parents backstage as he is easily voted through to Vegas. Also through to Vegas? Shaolin Warriors, a group of martial artists who beat on each other and poke each other with spears while wearing very serious costumes. Hasselhoff learns Chinese just to vote yes for them.

Next up is the Beyond Belief Dance Troupe, a group of twenty-two twelve- to seventeen-year olds brought together by some svengali choreographer named Justin who has known all the girls forever and apparently has known his eyebrow threader just as long. Their spokesmodel explains that they are fierce, their hair is fierce, and their make up is fiercer. The dance is pretty catchy, if a little disorganized on such a small stage. As the troupe lines up for judgment, Piers announces that the outfits are horrendous and the make up is even worse, but they are terrific little dancers. Sharon loves that they have one guy amid all the girls, but she doesn't explain her reasons for that at all so I'll just assume it is some sort of Busby Berkeley meets Candida Royalle fantasy of hers. Although I can't imagine Ozzie not letting her act that one out. Hasselhoff loves the dancers. They are off to Vegas! The girls squee a lot and jump around, but there are no shots of Justin so I will assume he either passed out or went to call his waxer.

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America's Got Talent

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