America's Got Talent
Season 3 Episode 3

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Don't You Take My Achy Breaky Busty Hearts

Finally! The moment we have all been waiting for since the opening credits! The painting pig! The pig's name is Smithfield and his posterior is rudely facing the judges and The Hoff opines that his rump looks like Piers's face, which was almost funny enough to forgive the pun, but not quite. Smithfield won't paint and Piers buzzes him. He then begins his admittedly abstract work, picking up paint brushes and applying color to the canvas. I don't know why animals always insist on painting abstractly. Is it the same instinct that drove Picasso and Braque, Gorky and Hoffmann, Rothko and Pollock to break down the formalism that dominated painting for so long? Is it a deep passion and emotion that moves these creatures to the core of true abstract expressionist work? Or is it just because it's a walking pork chop with a paintbrush in its mouth? Sharon and David are intrigued, but ultimately vote no. Piers thinks the pig would have a better future as a sandwich. The owner looks shocked until I remind her that she is the one who named her pig after a ham. Anyway, Smithfield won't leave the stage.

A whole bunch of animal acts follow. Diana Ross and her Yorkie have been practicing their dance routine? Puppy burlesque? Foxtrot? Honestly I have no idea what they were doing onstage. All I know is that they practiced for three whole days and still don't get to go to Vegas. So unfair! Also not going to Vegas? A man, his wife, and their monkey. Neither are some girls, some dogs, and some Frisbees. Tragically when their act is kicked off, they leave a dog on stage locked in a bag. After ten minutes, four PETA members dressed as ninjas belay onto the stage, rescue the dog, drop a load of pamphlets, and shoot the judges a nasty look. Smithfield finally leaves the stage, painting unfinished. Finally what all the failed animal acts have been leading up to: a successful animal act! A man and his dog and a bunch of Frisbees perform a winning routine and the judges happily vote them through to Vegas. In case I wasn't specific enough, the man threw the Frisbees and the dog caught them. It was set to music, too. My dog raised an eyebrow in the general direction of the television, so I assume it was quite impressive to the canine set as well.

Next to audition is Paul Salos a Frank Sinatra stylist (that's old guy for impressionist, not stylist like hair stylist) who studied Frank for nine years before he even attempted to perform him. He's old and does a decent rendition of "Fly Me to the Moon" and the judges happily let him through. Paul is so happy he makes out with his wife on national television much to his grandchildren's chagrin, I'm sure. The show now moves on from Dallas and back to Chicago. Is this just editing? Did the show really go back and forth across the country like this? That seems inefficient. Really inefficient.

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America's Got Talent

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