America's Got Talent
Season 3 Episode 3

Episode Report Card
LuluBates: B | Grade It Now!
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Don't You Take My Achy Breaky Busty Hearts

First to perform are The Best Salsa Dancers Ever. They are a brother and sister team who came to salsa dancing to cope with their parents' divorce. I don't really like the idea of brother-sister dance teams because of the possibility for creepy hand placement. Did you see "Your Mama Don't Dance"? That's what I'm worried about. Junior and Emily wow the judges. And Jerry. Lest we forget Jerry is there, the camera cuts to him twice during their performance. I can't believe he gets paid for this. All he does is stand backstage and say retardedly encouraging bon mots (that aren't very bon) to contestants. Where was that option during career day? Next is husband and wife team Zane and Stephanie who are dressed in yellow ensembles with gleaming smiles and matching blonde highlights. They are awful, obviously. The Hoff delightfully buzzes two seconds in to their frightening rendition of whatever that song is by The Righteous Brothers. Oh fine I'll look it up. "Unchained Melody." That's the song. If you are interested in the Righteous Brothers (I am not), RighteousBrothers.com is their official website and it says fascinating things like "Elvis Presley had shocked the culture as a Caucasian in the '50s" and "They built a pleading, four-minute cry of romantic desperation that Vanity Fair would recognize as 'the most erotic duet between men on record.'" Yowza! Maybe I am interested in the Righteous Brothers. They also use the word "impacted" twice in one paragraph. Anyway. Piers takes much longer to buzz and Sharon never bothers. It was so awful that she probably had to go to her happy place to prevent permanent brain injury. As the happy couple marches off stage, Zane makes a zingy head snap that gives me the uncomfortable feeling that Zane is really, really gay and not just in the My-Wife-and-I-Have-Matching-Highlights-and-Sing-Duets-and-Wear-Twinsy-Yellow-Outifts way, if you know what I mean. It makes me sad deep down inside.

George the Giant is next. His talent is that he is tall. Seven foot three inches to be precise. He gets a volunteer from the audience and calls up a poor girl who had an unfortunate run-in with a crimping iron in a dark alley. But that is nothing compared to what is going to happen to her next. George the Giant wraps her in a twisty straw, sticks the straw up his nose, runs the hose through to his mouth, and drinks some milk. I have never been so happy to be lactose intolerant. George sends the volunteer off with the bottle of milk (thank you for playing!). Inexplicably he then sets off a bunch of firecrackers that are strapped to his chest. The judges ask George to prove that he is properly socialized and he brings out his teeny tiny wife. She claims to be proud. Piers votes yes to George, Sharon refuses to agree to it (and looks downright queasy), Hasselhoff wants more George, so he is going to Vegas.

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America's Got Talent

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