America's Got Talent
Season 3 Episode 3

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Don't You Take My Achy Breaky Busty Hearts

Welcome back to America's Got Talent where the women are strong, the men earnest, and the children are precious, even when off-key. I was off last week learning Russian Bar dancing, but M. Giant did an admirable job filling in despite his egregious error in calling Eli Mattson a Christian Slater look-a-like. Don't worry, gentle reader, I gave him an earful (two earfuls!) on that one and he won't be making that mistake again. And now on to our show.

This week auditions move to Dallas. To the theme from Dallas we have some establishing shots of Texas. The effect is kind of like that scene from Pee Wee's Big Adventure where Pee Wee proves he is in Texas by calling out "The stars and night are big and bright..." and everyone on the street shouts back "Deep in the heart of Texas!" Except that no one has heard the theme from Dallas in, like, twenty years and it took me a good ten bars to recognize it and I watch television professionally. The guy who wrote the theme song must be thrilled to get some royalties rolling in, though. Did I mention that we get to see a painting pig this week? And no, Piers isn't auditioning. Hee! The judges are introduced Dallas-style and then some people shoot some guns whilst wearing cowboy hats, some lil cutie pies shout that everything is bigger in Texas, the judges are introduced again, and we are on to the auditions.

Corky Duke is up first. He is a cashier, but first and foremost he is a line dancer. A line dancer without a line. No gay cowboys in sight at all. As the dulcet tones of Cotton-Eyed Joe start up, Corky Duke stomps for a long time and then bends his legs for a while. Corky may be able to teach a zebra to dance, but his rump shaking is way too much for the judges who all give him the X. Sharon offs him as a wannabe Jed Clampett. There are a lot of Achy Breaky Hearts in Texas tonight. The Rodeo Rhythm Kings don't fair much better than Corky with their yodeling rendition of "Pretty Woman" performed as "Pretty Lady," because "lady" is some how less offensive than "woman"? Don't they know that "lady" is the creepiest word in the entire English language? Seriously, add it to any sentence and it's creepsville. Anyway, the Rodeo Rhythm Kings are out.

Up next, Nolan Leach and his horse Bravo do some lasso tricks, but Hasselhoff said he looked like he was just horsing around. I should have edited out that horrible pun, but I had to share my pain. Double happiness, half sorrow, etc. Juli Blue, a tap-dancing ukulele-playing cowgirl, who only merited ten seconds of television time was given the (cowboy) boot. Jacque Kendall, a 48-year old hula hooper, attempted to wake up the judges by chucking hula hoops at their heads to no avail. (They just kept bouncing off The Hoff's hair. How does he make it so... so... so dense?) Next is some ballroom dancer who takes two steps, claps twice and walks off the stage as the crowd boos. The judges didn't even get to vote him off.

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America's Got Talent

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