As America's Got Talent starts this week Jerry Springer's voice lets us know that we are watching the Number One Most Popular Show in America. I thought it was the second most popular, but mere facts should not get in the way of a potential voiceover opportunity! 55 million people watched this show last week. 55 million people. Holy hockey, that is the entire population of France. Can you imagine our bereted amies dropping their vin rouge and eggs en cocotte to watch... aw crap. I can't remember who was on last week. Man, these lame auditions totally blew my punchline. Forget it.
Auditions continue. My patience? Not so much. The judges are back in New York's convention center. As I may have mentioned, the Javits Center is ridiculously far from the subway. And I thank the good Lord every time I see the crowd shot from the AGT auditions. All this criss-crossing the country and repeat visits really puts a crimp in my material. The producers remind us of the shenanigans that happened the last time the auditions were in New York. Which is helpful, because who can remember four weeks ago in this heat? As the judges are introduced, their shiny scowly visages are interlaced with clips of the Acts That Touched Them the Most (in New York.) There was Nuttin' But Stringz, the Cutest Littlest Girl in the World, the Stripping Trombone Dancer Dude, and the Ozzie Impersonator. During the intro, Jerry Springer keeps repeating that this is the last trip to New York. This is the last time the show will be here. This is the lastchance for the contestants to impress the judges here. It is all very ominous. And promising. Does this mean we might actually be nearing the end of the interminable auditions?
Up first is a man with an unfortunately placed mole (directly below nostril) and a rather large crown and a gold foil cape. He is an Actor in the Jon Lovitz sense. He is also so obviously going to be immediately eliminated that I am not sure why they are bothering. But here we go. His name is Perry Zanett and he is potentially among the greatest actors that America has ever had. He has chosen Shakespeare. One word into his monologue (I'm not going to bother figuring out which one it is, but judging from the costume I'd guess Richard III) and The Hoff cruelly buzzes. Piers follows suit and Sharon is right there too. Piers announces that Perry is a "complete waste of space," Perry rejoins that "it takes one to know one." Sharon and the rest of the playground giggle. The judges vote no and I shout "Out! Out! Damn space waster!" As Perry regally exits the stage he proclaims that it is shameful to be buzzed by someone as talentless as David Hasselhoff, a man frequently out-acted by a car. Oh Perry, The Hoff was also out-acted by: 1. Boobs, 2. Fake boobs, and 3. His Own Hair. Leave Kitt out of it! Perry's sad, if entirely expected, ousting leads to one of the producers' favorite tropes: The Turn for the Worse. You know, when the auditions go south.