As the auditions finally end (Thank God Almighty!), a giant fluttering American flag fills the screen as we are treated to a nationalistic montage of things that make America great and talented: The cutest little girl from America! The autistic boy who could! The sword swallower! The old dude who dressed up like Frank Sinatra! The opera singer dude! The freaky dancer dude! Fake Elvis! God Bless America!

Tune in next week for not only the two-hour introduction to Vegas, but also the ninety minute results show on Thursday. Sigh. Thank god we live in America and I can exercise my right to have another Miller Lite.

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