Welcome back to America's Got Talent the show with the longest-running audition season of any other reality show on television now or ever! Yes, I did say that last week, but it bears repeating. After seven long weeks of auditions in Dallas, Atlanta, Chicago, New York, and Los Angeles, we are finally in Las Vegas. I for one am excited to see our old friends, see the people who the editors glossed over, and see if any of the acts I thought were decent were actually decent or were merely decent in comparison to lame magicians and a shocking number of chicken impersonators. Speaking of lame magicians, guess who emailed me this week? No, not The Hoff. (Sigh...) But, Michael Trixx, the Foghat-wearing self-professed rock-and-roll magician who was unceremoniously booed off the stage by the audience and the judges last week. He wanted me to know that: 1. He knows how to Google his own name, 2. I was lame and have bad taste in television shows, and 3. that the audience actually lovedhim and the big mean editors added the evil audience booing him because they have a personal vendetta against him, his mom, and his dog. (Poor Scruffles!) So keep that in mind when you re-watch last week's episode, since I am sure you (like me) have saved every single show so you can watch your favorite performers who were unjustly kicked out of the competition early.
Vegas, baby! The acts we remember (Hello, trombone dude! Hi there, Bed of Nails guy!) and the acts we don't remember at all (no, really, I've never seen half these people before) are treated to the Vegas highlife. The cocktails are poured, the craps are played, the roulette is spun, the Strip is trodden. A few people stare out windows contemplatively. But beneath the Vegas glitz and glamour lies one real truth: a lot of these acts are incredibly lame and will soon be sent home. High above the gritty streets and crack CSI teams, in a private plane, are our judges. Hasselhoff explains it all: It's not about the money, it's about dreams. Piers thinks Vegas week will be very tough. Sharon adds that the competition will be tougher than ever. Inside the auditorium, the acts fill the seats. The judges are waiting behind a curtain that rises slowly over their heads leaving them standing in individual spotlights, arms crossed, faces serious. Hasselhoff tells the audience the good news: one of them will be winning one million dollars. The bad news? They are auditioning for the musical version of Saw and they'll each have to re-enact a scene from it in order to move on in the competition. I nominate Milk Snorter to cut off his own leg! Piers is actually the one to break the bad news: the judges are going to review each act's audition tape and choose only the best acts to perform. So NBC just footed the bill for all these people to fly to Vegas, drink, gamble, and stay in hotels, just for them to get sent home? As this announcement sinks in, the camera pans over the crowd settling momentarily on Fake Britney, Dancing William Hung, Ms. Buzzsaw and Soldier Boy, who is still in uniform. Oh relax, Soldier Boy, you were Sob Story of the Week, you'll never get sent home!