America's Got Talent

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And the Band Played On and On

Welcome back from temporary hiatus! If you're suffering from an Olympics hangover like I am, Jerry Springer is here to remind us that America's Got Talent! And not just talent for running, swimming and basketballing. No, no, this is the land of dreams and charisma. The land where a Fake Britney Spears, a plus-sized milk snorter, and a spazzwad interpretive dancer can compete against each other for a million dollars in prize money. This is America!

Featured on tonight's live episode are: Extreme Dance FX, The James Gang, Derrick Barry, Elite, Ronny B., The Cadence, Jessica Price, Shimshi, DC Cowboys, and Neal E. Boyd. Those names sound vaguely familiar. Except I don't think I've ever heard of Shimshi before. Or Elite. Anyway, they are all competing for the biggest prize in entertainment history! Jerry Springer will be hosting us on this fantastic live voyage, and first on his plate of hosting duties is introducing the judges. Piers! David! Sharon! Wait...Is Sharon wearing a muumuu? No, no. It's not a muumuu. It's a long-sleeved, high-neck, ruffle-front, black-and-white shift. Why is she dressed like that? Did she convert to Amish? Did she fire her stylist? She should fire her stylist. Or maybe she was drunk-shopping on QVC, and then had to wear it because she didn't want to admit the whole drunk shopping thing. Anyway, did I mention that this is live? 'Cause it is! Live! Jerry's mentioned this about 12 times already. He also brings up Terry Fator again. And the million-dollar prize money that is at stake. Got that? Good. But if you don't, don't worry -- he'll bring it up again. And again. Amid all this mentioning of prize money and Terry Fator name-dropping, Jerry does tell us that the show will be on twice a week. One day is performance, the next is judgment. Ten acts per performance day, five will continue. While I am certainly no math whiz, I believe that means it will take four freakin' weeks to get to our Top 20. Just shoot me. With kisses!

First up are those mad cloggers, Extreme Dance FX. Tonight, they're wearing black track suits and Riverdancing it up to Salt n' Pepa's Push It. Despite the fact that their music is from 1992, they sure have a modern take on clogging! But I bet that doesn't make the Southern Belles feel any better. Judgment time: Piers thinks they are fantastic, but because of the massive amount of prize money (enough with the prize money! We get it! We do!), they need to come back better, faster and tighter if they want to win. Sharon thought they were smoking (smoking what? I want some). Sharon loves what they do with their wacky contemporary clogging. The Hoff thinks they are inspirational for the young kids of America. Suck it, Michael Phelps!

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America's Got Talent

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