America's Next Top Model

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Previously on ANTM: Tyra and the Jays faked out the final fourteen contestants by telling them they were cut at semi-finals, when in fact they were actually standing in their new model apartment. What became of the poor losers who thought they made it to the next round but were actually cut, we may never know. Perhaps one or two will show up as a Charlie Sheen goddess. And then, in a pinnacle of sorts for all televisual media, the girls walked on a 12-inch runway over a swimming pool while encased in a human-sized, glitter-filled hamster ball. No one ran out of oxygen, sadly, but a few girls fell off of the runway and into the water and had to spin around aimlessly as a live audience laughed at them. Angelia was unremarkable and thus was the first to be cut. Thirteen bitches remain!

It is night at the Top Model house, and the girls arrive home to find Molly's best-of-week photo displayed as digital art. I thought that her victory would go far toward reminding me that she exists, but I'm sad to say that wasn't the case. Molly tells us that she's adopted, and we see a photo of her with her very wholesome-looking parents. She owes her parents a lot, she says. Though frankly if she'd grown up totally in the foster system, or better yet as a motherless street urchin, she'd probably get more screen time. Meanwhile, Alexandria sees fit to give Nicole a talking to. She tells Nicole that she was standing up there like a dumpy dope expecting to get cut. Next time, she should display a level of obnoxious, false confidence. Nicole reminds us about how Tyra told her that she looked a good fifteen years older in her photos. Her priority for this week is to look more youthful. What do you do for that? Wear pigtails? Hold one of those giant lollipops? It's a conundrum.

Meanwhile, Ondrei and Dominique eat pizza and chat about tragic situations. Dominique asks if Ondrei has any siblings, and Ondrei says she had two brothers who died. One was in a car crash, and another was murdered. And not only was he murdered, but he was murdered the night before her prom. Ondrei interviews that no one could get over such a tragic event. At the same time, she says, it made her even more eager to be on the show and do something big with her life. Dominique and Dalya express their surprise that Ondrei is even there only a few months after the murder, which seems a bit callous of them. Dalya is frightened by Ondrei's composure in the face of tragedy. I am frightened by Dalya's jaw. Shut up, Dalya.

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America's Next Top Model

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