America's Next Top Model

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Bee-utiful

The next morning, Dominique shows off her model's diet, which involves a lot of Cup O'Noodles. On cue, Tyra arrives in an apron and chef's hat, along with another lady in an apron and chef's hat. Her name is Heather Bauer, and she's a nutritionist. Because she lives to terrorize us all, Tyra speaks in an exaggerated French accent throughout this whole segment. Sara gets nervous that Tyra is in their dirty-ass kitchen, I'm sure because she thinks Tyra will eat everything within. Tyra explains that there are foods that people think you should never eat, because they're fatty or bad for you. And so people choose other things to eat. But why eat those other things when you could eat the fatty, bad-for-you ones? It is through this logic that nutritionist Heather came up with the concept of "cheaties." Cheaties are things that seem bad but aren't, and which allow you to indulge without guilt, or so Tyra claims. Really the message of this segment is that you can eat pasta once in a while and it won't kill you.

Taking a cue from The Biggest Loser, Tyra blindfolds the girls and has them taste two different dishes and guess which is healthier. First, Alexandria has to choose between spaghetti with meatballs and eggplant parmesan. Alexandria guesses eggplant, likely assuming that vegetables are always the healthy option, but in fact eggplant soaks up a lot of oil, particularly when fried. The spaghetti and meatballs is actually better for you. And iron keeps your hair healthy! I shall look at my rusty hot water with new eyes now. Next, Kasia has to guess if a wheat waffle with peanut butter is healthier than a wheat bagel with cream cheese. And duh. A bagel with cream cheese never wins in these comparisons. Per usual, America's Next Top Model has taught you nothing about health and wellness. Monique, who I think might have the lowest IQ of this bunch based on purely circumstantial evidence and the way she talks, appreciates how Tyra empowers women (!!!!) and notes that it's much more important to be healthy than be skinny. Unless you're a model. Seriously. I mean, nobody likes a model that's near-death, but other than that where you fall on the health spectrum really isn't of concern to anyone as long as you can fit in a sample size.

After Tyra leaves, Jaclyn and Monique are looking through the fridge when they detect something foul. And something fowl! See what I did there? It's raw chicken marinating in barbeque sauce. It's in a plastic bowl covered in tinfoil, and apparently has been there for days. Monique puts the bowl out on the counter, and Alexandria comes down and says it was supposed to be in the fridge. Alexandria would try to give everyone else in the house a bacterial infection. Dalya gets in the action, telling Alexandria that if you're not going to eat your raw chicken, it needs to be put in a freezer bag, and then in the freezer. If this were The Biggest Loser we would get some loving porn shots of Zip-Loc bags right now. Alexandria requests that Dalya not talk to her that way, and then exclaims, "I don't need a lesson about chicken." Dalya disagrees, and says that raw chicken does not belong in a bowl from which other people eat cereal. She does have a point there. Salmonella Toast Crunch is not on anybody's list of breakfast treats. Alexandria retorts, "I know about chicken." A bit sensitive about her chicken expertise, isn't she? Calm down, motherclucker.

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America's Next Top Model

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