OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS. This is…just…what is even HAPPENING RIGHT NOW? Calm down, Potes. But I can't! I'm talking to myself like a crazy person in a written piece that I get to edit! That's how much insanity is happening!
Okay, so blah blah blah, there's a Cover Girl photo and commercial, and it's for eye gunk, and Allison can't open her eyes in the sun, which is kind of a problem. But then she closes her eyes and everyone is like, "Oooh, now we can see even MORE of the gunk!" and it's totally fine. Angelea is awesome at everything, and Lisa is just there, like always, being frustratingly competent.
There is runway show insanity. Something to do with a pool and swimming and transforming from a mortal to goddess and flying through the air on the runway, and viral video hits. I don't know. The Michael Cinco dresses are all hideous, you will not be surprised to learn. It's like he lost his money at Mood just like Anya, and had to create them all out of muslin and found thumb tacks. Everyone is wearing masks that cover about three-quarters of their face, which honestly makes them look the best they have all season. There is serious wind, and a whole lot of Miss J. upskirt shorts. This foretold the doom that would soon come to pass.
Okay, so THEN. We head to panel, and Tyra & Co. are all weird about it, and it turns out they're back in L.A. filming this under "unusual circumstances." Nigel non-explains the following: "After shooting was wrapped, our production team and the network learned information from Angelea that disqualifies her from the competition." I know! They don't say anything more about it, other than they wish Angelea the best. Some crack Google research reveals the theory that Angelea posted either about her win or the final three on Facebook before the show aired, thus violating one of those reality show 1,000-page contracts, and so was stripped of her title. This means that Angelea actually won! I know! And then was stripped of her rightful crown! Just like Persephone! (Note: I don't actually know anything about Persephone.) (Note: I just checked out Wikipedia -- Perseophone is Queen of the Underworld. That seems about right, actually.) Anyway, it is clearly impossible to focus on anything after the Angelea DQ announcement. I don't know why they just didn't set fire to the panel room and tell us that there were no survivors. I would have felt so much more at peace. Lisa wins by default, which means that poor Allison was put through the torture of being runner-up THREE TIMES in her life! Merry fucking Christmas, everybody, and enjoy your D'Amato-shaped lump of coal.
It's the Cycle 17 All-Star finale! Now, as you know, some dastardly shit is about to go down in this bitch. But for now we are just innocents, watching a montage of Lisa D'Amato spreading her legs. Tyra tells us that our three finalists impressed on their original cycles (but not enough to win!), but for all-stars they have to be the best of the best. Technically, if this were true then this would be an all-star cycle featuring past winners, and not a group of sixth-runners-up. Anyway, this season the girls had to do all sorts of fancy all-star things, like fellating hot dogs on camera and sporting a NeNe Leakes wig. But most of all, they've had to build a successful brand, so the judges can tell them that they're not living up to it.
So, will our ultimate all-star be Allison, the quirky and unique girl from Cycle 12 with one of the biggest fan bases in Top Model history? Allison has broken through her shell of shyness and consistently wowed the judges, mostly just by standing there and looking straight ahead. It is her gift, truly. Or will our ultimate all-star be Angelea, the sassy girl from Buffalo whose confidence has had some ups and downs in the competition? Her persistence and winning personality made her into a serious contender (until some sort of mystery thing happened that, frankly, will live to haunt me until I learn the truth). (Uh, spoiler.) Or will our ultimate all-star be Lisa from Cycle 5, one of the most outgoing and fearless and urinating-est girls in the competition? Lisa's in-your-face style was pretty obnoxious at first, but eventually she learned to sometimes look good and has been stepping it up continuously. Tyra tells us that this is going to be a finale to remember, which is true, but not for any of the reasons we may have suspected.
We enter in the model apartment, with the final three celebrating their status and Angelea proclaiming them the three baddest bitches in the world. Those words should rightfully be spoken by Bre, but even she probably wouldn't be lame enough to quote herself from thirteen seasons ago. Lisa tells us that she didn't know for certain that she'd make it this far, though she definitely thought she should. So humble, that one. Lisa says that she's been performing her whole life, and trying to break through the shackles of an abusive childhood. She then goes on to say that she suffered a lot of sexual, mental and physical abuse. Lisa has risen above it, gotten therapy, and is now the best she's ever been. Given Tyra's penchant for making storylines out of traumatic experiences, I'm surprised we haven't heard about this already. But good for Lisa for getting it together and dealing with her issues. She talks about how winning the competition would give her a great platform for selling her new album (entitled, I shit you not, "Flippin' the Bird"), and would help her to support her charity for kids in abusive households.