Just as all good things must come to an end, all mediocre things must come to an end, too. And so it is that we bid adieu to the eleventh cycle of America’s Next Top Model. Our three finalists -- McKey, Samantha and Analeigh -- follow tradition and film a Cover Girl commercial. One line is in Dutch, and the girls find themselves kissing yet another male model. They are shilling some sort of minty lip gloss that cycle 10 winner Whitney claims to love, probably because if you close your eyes and breathe in deeply you think you’re eating mint chocolate chip ice cream. Anyway, there are some commercial surprises. Sam does so-so, while McKey does the best out of the three and Analeigh, who we’ve been told repeatedly is a natural actress, bites it. The girls then shoot a Cover Girl print ad. Sam’s smile is forced, Analeigh totally has a floating eye, and McKey is basically perfection. The first cut is the deepest and the panel sends Analeigh home with only a giant peace sign necklace to wipe away her tears.
We thus have the butchest final two ever! Sam and McKey have the pleasure of partaking in a shoot for Seventeen (featuring Ann Shoket in a top stolen from Sheena’s closet), and then a runway show with a crazy-ass Candyland/Dr. Seuss pink, hilly runway designed by Mr. Jay. It is so impractical that they actually have to run up one particularly big hill because if they don’t have momentum they’ll fall down bass-ackwards. The show is for Dutch fashion designer Addy van de Fleugelheugelkeugelsmeugelmiller, and actually seems to draw a decent audience not made up of Bankable Productions staff members and/or vagrants. Neither McKey nor Sam is the strongest walker, but each does her Lurch-like best to get through the show, and no one falls or trips an extra on stilts. The judges pretend to have their work cut out for them, but in the end I doubt that it was too hard a decision to choose McKey as the winner. I’ve been kind of neutral on McKey the whole season, but I am thankful that she was chosen to be America’s Next Top Model for no other reason than that she uses her brute force to literally sweep all of the judges off of their feet and in the process scares the bejeezus out of Tyra. Maybe now she can go back to calling herself Brittany? [But then she wouldn't sound like an Irish locksmith! - Zach]
Previously on ANTM: We had fourteen finalists who battled it out in a fierce fight throughout the entire flipping competition! Some, like Lauren Brie, were instantly awesome and nonsensically eliminated. Some, like Nikeysha, were mere blips of suckage on the reality TV landscape and were booted before we could get too riled up about them either way. Three girls have survived it all! They are:
McKey, the strong yet feminine beauty from Lake Forest, Illinois who's shown consistent growth and improvement in her photos from week to week but faltered in her first attempt at a Cover Girl commercial and has a second personality who speaks in a vaguely European accent. The third personality enjoys wearing chain mail.
Analeigh, the pretty and peace-loving (as evidenced by that monstrosity that continuously hangs off of her neck, and no, I'm not talking about Marjorie) girl from Sacramento, California who has taken some impressive photos but struggled to work her figure skating background into her posing. She eventually figured out her body, but can she conquer her face? Am I imagining it, or is that kind of a harsh question?
Samantha, the athletic and adorable girl from Woodland Hills, California who barely escaped elimination after offending designer Jeremy Scott and his mullet. Sam managed to turn it around with a stellar photo, but the judges think she's very commercial and know for a fact that she doesn't know how to dress.
Three bitches, one top prize, 66% of dreams shattered. And that's just how Tyra likes it.
It is night in Amsterdam. And there is Tyra Mail! You see folks, there's a lot of ground to cover in the final episode and we don't have time to reflect on how anyone is or is not sad that Marjorie is gone. Analeigh certainly seems plenty peppy as she reads the mail: "Makkelyk, Fris, Mooi! Love, Tyra." I'm sure this actually translates into "Tyra Uber Alles," though the girls seem convinced that it means "Easy, Breezy, Beautiful!" Yes, folks, it's Cover Girl time. It's always Cover Girl time. Get ready for a zit or two to pop out just from the power of the TV waves. Right next to the Tyra Mail are the girls' lines for the commercial, the first of which is in Dutch. Analeigh notes that they're not going to be sleeping much. Because they're going to be shaving each others' va-jay-jays all night again? These bitches need to look into waxing for special occasions like this.