America's Next Top Model

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Easy, McKeyzy, Beautiful

Backstage, Sam is pensive. She tells us that normally she's bouncing off of the walls, but this time she's trying to focus and think about how the heck she's going to walk. Whitney enters, too, since this will be the scene of her final hurrah. There are a bunch of other gorgeous-looking Dutch models being readied as well. McKey tells us that she's anxious and excited and can't wait for the runway show to be over, because once it's through it means she's done everything she can do in the competition and it's either going to be enough or it's not. An impressive sized audience gets seated, and then Tyra greets the girls backstage. She tells them that it's okay to say, "I'm nervous," because that relaxes you. Especially when you say it after you've popped a Xanax. She tells them to go out there and make their black mama proud. That would be her. If having a black mama is an option, I totally call Tina Turner. Tyra gives the girls a big fake laugh and a hug, and the funny part is that you can tell neither of them wants to touch her and that just being around her makes them uncomfortable. Sam tells us that the best runway show ever is about to go down, and it's going to be insane. Something tells me that Sam has never heard of a little thing called ghost brides. As we ponder the magic that "Ghost Brides in Candyland" might bring in Cycle 12, we head to commercials.

When we return it's moments before the girls will head out on the runway. McKey says really excited, but also scared that something's going to go wrong. She hopes that she can pull it all together at the last second, like so many outfits made of flouncy skirts and chain mail. Sam is so nervous that she has to fan herself. Tyra, Nigel and Paulina enter and take their seats. And then freaking Miss J. struts down the runway slowly, wearing highwater pants and holding some sort of leash that's attached to a guy all in black who's holding a giant pink balloon. A guy with a giant pink balloon is the new bejeweled cockroach. The guy then pops the balloon with his teeth. Magical!

And then it's time for the show to really begin. Whitney goes out first and the camera mercifully cuts away when it's time for her to run up fashion mountain. She does look gorgeous, though, and by the time she makes it to the end of the long-ass runway she is no longer plus-sized. Then McKey walks out. She manages to look somewhat graceful running up fashion mountain, but generally is impeded by her tendency to a) lurch; b) look down while she's walking. However, she tells us that she was basking in the glory of it all. Ananda, who is the winner of Holland's Next Top Model cycle four, also walks. Sam finally walks. She explains to us that if you don't run and get some speed going up fashion mountain, you'll fall backwards. Sam also, as you might recall, is not the world's best walker. She may not have the world's best runway body, either. Sorry, healthy lady. The girls change into floor-length gowns for their second outfits, then pose together at the top of fashion mountain. Sam points out that the runway is so long that you're bound to at least have a couple of decent moments in all the time you spend walking. Lucky for them. McKey interviews that she knows she's not the strongest walker in the bunch, but she gave her all. She and Sam lurch in the finale, and Addy V.D.K. makes an appearance on the runway, too. Tyra greets the girls backstage and lies that they did a great job. Jay tells Tyra that she can walk on the runway if she wants. She doesn't, opting instead to feast on a bucket of ribs before judging.

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America's Next Top Model

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