America's Next Top Model

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Easy, McKeyzy, Beautiful

And speaking of judging, the time has come! And you guys, holy shit. Tyra looks like one crack fiend shoulder pad-loving kind of evil alien. She's no longer going to beam the final two up to the mothership, but rather decimate everyone in the room with her smiling eyes alone. Live in fear. Sam and McKey enter in their fancy dresses. Tyra tells them that they started off in this competition as little girls, and now they're lovely young sophisticated women. If Marjorie were in the final two, Tyra would be forced to say, "Now one of you is a lovely, sophisticated woman, and the other of you is still a quivering mess of French vanilla pudding." There are judges. There are prizes - a contract with Elite Model Management, a spread and a cover in Seventeen, and a $100,000 contract with Cover Girl.

And now it is time to review the girls' Top Model lives. First we look at McKey's runway performance. Miss J. says that he liked her first walk, and loved her second. Tyra liked McKey's facial expressions when she stopped in front of the judges. She didn't just serve dress, she served face. Much like how she'll be serving a delicious Moons Over My Hammy breakfast platter when this whole modeling charade is over. Nigel thinks that McKey could be a little more graceful if she learned how to walk in heels. Yeah, that's an idea. Paulina thinks that McKey's long-legged gait is beautiful. The judges then pick apart Samantha's walk. Nigel thought she looked fantastic when she came out. Miss J. says that she did exquisitely when she had a dress with a chiffon skirty overlay thingamajig. Tyra notes that she saw some worry in Sam's mouth. When Sam's worried, her pout shows it double. But a few times Tyra saw a butterfly. And then chased it to a magical land where pudding flows like a river and thus missed the end of the show.

The judges then look at the girls' photos through the ages. And by "ages" I mean past 12 weeks. In the "Voting Is Sexy" shoot of the first week, both girls relied on Modeling 101, according to Nigel. Neither was brilliant, but both showed potential. Tyra agrees, saying that Samantha broke her body in such a way that she might have actually been Modeling 201, and McKey came alive when she started to box. Then there was a swimsuit photo shoot, and both girls did marvelously. Nigel tells Sam that she looks exquisite in her photo, which is charming, sexy and feminine. Tyra tells Sam that this was the week that she became a high-fashion model and also, not coincidentally, the week that her hair was chopped off. Tyra, who must be ovulating or something, says that as soon as the hair came off Sam was like, "Waaah! Mommy, I am a model!" Tyra loves McKey's strength in her photo, and says that she has muscles, but not big ole' muscles that get in the way.

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America's Next Top Model

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