It's makeover episode! Wait, make that TYOVER episode. I know, I know. But a mere makeover would not suffice on this season of seasons. But before we get to the hair drama, Tyra has the girls meet with brand strategist Martin Lindstrom, who is a genius with an indeterminate accent. Apparently the crack ANTM research team asked fans about the girls' images, and from this Martin is going to give them one word that will dictate their brands. To wit, Lisa is daring, Shannon is trustworthy (read: boring), Dominique is a survivor, Allison is unique, Angelea is persistent and wears cheap shoes, Bre is a girlfriend, Camille is proud, Isis is inspiration, and Laura is lovable. Alexandria is tough, which really means "tough to like." Sheena is deemed "unexpected," which she correctly intuits as "unexpected that she's not a cello-playing math genius." Martin tells Kayla that being gay is SO five years ago, and gives her the word "free." And then there's Bianca. Her word is "candid," which she takes as instant permission to start being a total hag. God, I love her.
And then the Tyovers commence. Ashlee Simpson is just sort of lurking around for no real reason, making everyone nervous. You'd think the fact that these bitches have all been through this process before would mean that they'd all handle it with aplomb, but alas! That is not the case. Lisa is going short again, and is upset because she's getting married in two months. It's not called America's Next Top Wedding Hair. Get over it. And then Bre, who has come off as the coolest of cucumbers, freaks out about her shaved-side shorter cut. She goes and cries in the bathroom and threatens to leave the show, because she's so full of rage. Well it's already cut now, you might as well hang out for a while. Eventually she decides to stay, though her confidence has taken a hit. On the positive side, Alexandria loves her new, shorter, shaggy 'do. Much of it covers her face, which I think is a positive.
Post-makeover, the girls head straight into a photo shoot/challenge. The girls are instructed to create their own Pink's hot dog (Pink's being a hot dog place that is famous in Hollywood), and make it consistent with their brand word. They will then take a photo of the whole situation, because what the world needs is more images of ladies with their wide open mouths wrapped around hot dogs. Laura gets freaky with the BBQ sauce, and I guess it's lovable in the way that a person loves porn. Dominique survives a big dog, while Lisa goes daring with her bunless dog. There is so much food hanging out of peoples' mouths -- it's like my nightmare.
Despite the fact that Lisa's open-mouthed chewed-up food photo is completely disgusting, the judges love it and deem it the best of the week. Bianca comes in second, because she's very successful at eating hot dogs candidly. Though Bre gets a talking to on the runway for her lack of spark, it's Kayla and Sheena who end up in the bottom two. In an unexpected move that we actually probably did expect all along, Kayla lives to see another week and Sheena is left to pack her jumpsuits and go home.
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We swoop into the Top Model post-elimination limo with no "previously on," because, like zen masters, all-stars only are concerned with the present! There's no looking back, unless it is to remind us just what levels of stankitude these ladies reached five years ago when they were initially on the show, or to make us laugh by replaying footage of that guy booing Alexandria at last week's live judging. The models go over the prizes, and declare them the best ever in Top Model history. I guess that's true. With an Express campaign, mall patrons all over America will be forced to gaze upon you as they ride the escalator or shovel down cheese fries. Both Kayla and Shannon tell us that they want to win, while Angelea and Bianca say that they deserve to win. I actually feel that an overinflated sense of entitlement can probably do you good if you're gunning for mogul status.
The ladies return home to see Isis's photo displayed at digital art. Everyone seems relatively congratulatory about it, and then Isis says, "Jesus is my daddy...okay?" What does that even mean? I guess this makes everyone in the house nervous, because they laugh. They're probably like, "Oh I didn't even know He HAD kids!" The ladies reminisce about Brittany's elimination. Dominique took it as a sign that things are going to get tough, while Angelea reacts with a spirited, "Hallelujah!" and a smirky, "Oh well." She then says she's happy that Alexandria didn't go. I find that awfully curious. We flash back to the booing of Alexandria, and Alexandria tells us, "The other night at L.A. Live I learned that a lot of people...hate me." This is ALMOST enough to make me feel some sympathy for her, except that I find it so funny. She goes on to say that a lot of people also love her and understand her (I demand proof!), and that she's a misunderstood star. It's like, if she would just stop talking about 30 percent sooner than she's compelled to, we might be able to stomach her. Probably not, but maybe.
Sheena talks to Shannon and Camille, and says that she'd really like to win for the Asian ladies out there who have never gotten a correspondent gig on Extra. Read: every Asian lady except for maybe Lisa Ling. She tells us that most high-fashion Asian models are in Europe or Asia, and they're super skinny and edgy. It's tough for someone like Sheena, who not only has a rack but who considers herself to be more of an entertainer. She wonders if someone who was half-Asian might better ease their way in, but Shannon advocates for "full-blown Sheena."
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