America's Next Top Model
Ashlee Simpson

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We swoop into the Top Model post-elimination limo with no "previously on," because, like zen masters, all-stars only are concerned with the present! There's no looking back, unless it is to remind us just what levels of stankitude these ladies reached five years ago when they were initially on the show, or to make us laugh by replaying footage of that guy booing Alexandria at last week's live judging. The models go over the prizes, and declare them the best ever in Top Model history. I guess that's true. With an Express campaign, mall patrons all over America will be forced to gaze upon you as they ride the escalator or shovel down cheese fries. Both Kayla and Shannon tell us that they want to win, while Angelea and Bianca say that they deserve to win. I actually feel that an overinflated sense of entitlement can probably do you good if you're gunning for mogul status.

The ladies return home to see Isis's photo displayed at digital art. Everyone seems relatively congratulatory about it, and then Isis says, "Jesus is my daddy...okay?" What does that even mean? I guess this makes everyone in the house nervous, because they laugh. They're probably like, "Oh I didn't even know He HAD kids!" The ladies reminisce about Brittany's elimination. Dominique took it as a sign that things are going to get tough, while Angelea reacts with a spirited, "Hallelujah!" and a smirky, "Oh well." She then says she's happy that Alexandria didn't go. I find that awfully curious. We flash back to the booing of Alexandria, and Alexandria tells us, "The other night at L.A. Live I learned that a lot of people...hate me." This is ALMOST enough to make me feel some sympathy for her, except that I find it so funny. She goes on to say that a lot of people also love her and understand her (I demand proof!), and that she's a misunderstood star. It's like, if she would just stop talking about 30 percent sooner than she's compelled to, we might be able to stomach her. Probably not, but maybe.

Sheena talks to Shannon and Camille, and says that she'd really like to win for the Asian ladies out there who have never gotten a correspondent gig on Extra. Read: every Asian lady except for maybe Lisa Ling. She tells us that most high-fashion Asian models are in Europe or Asia, and they're super skinny and edgy. It's tough for someone like Sheena, who not only has a rack but who considers herself to be more of an entertainer. She wonders if someone who was half-Asian might better ease their way in, but Shannon advocates for "full-blown Sheena."

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America's Next Top Model

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