America's Next Top Model

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Sexy Blanket

Krista, 24 from Pine Bluff, Arkansas, is next to go before the panel. She's wearing a silver metallic dress that matches the curtains of the room. Krista tells us that she's wanted to be a contestant ever since the show started, and is hungry. I mean, literally, because her shoulder blades could slice you halfway to next Tuesday. Krista notes that she's 24, and in the modeling industry they stop you somewhere around 25. What I think she probably means is that 25 is the cut-off to be on this particular show. She's like Methuselah in modeling years. In any case, Krista feels like this is her last chance. Which is a good thing, because then she'll finally be able to hold down a job and move on with her life. Tyra asks Krista if she'd ever date outside of her race. Krista stammers that she doesn't want to date white guys because it makes her scared to see a pink penis. She goes on to say that it looks like raw meat. Both of the Jays are like, "Girl, that's not what it looks like." Krista then goes on to underscore her point by making hand motions that go with preparing a meatloaf. If you are now thinking about a big pink penisloaf, you're not alone. Krista tells us that looking good is everything to her, and that she's in heels 24-7. She has no tennis shoes and asks, "Who owns tennis shoes?" Everybody. Look into it.

Next up is Aimee, 21 from Houston. She looks a lot like Carol Kane, who really does not get enough play these days. Aimee is "whimsical," which means she looks and talks like a big weirdo. Aimee guesses that she kind of sings when she talks. This leads Tyra to sing, "Yes you dooooooooooo!" Hard to understand why "Shake Ya Body" never cracked the top ten. Aimee studies classical music and so does a lot of opera arias and art songs. Also, she is a wood nymph. Tyra wants to do a musical with Aimee. I can assure you that the libretto is subpar. Aimee believes she only has one chance to live. Shirley MacLaine would disagree.

Tatianna, 21, from Ewa Beach, Hawaii is next. Tatianna is a volunteer mortician doing embalming and cremation! Wow! As she describes injecting the formaldehyde she gets really animated. Maybe she's actually a serial killer! Best. Season. Ever. Also, FYI, if you're an organ donor you just get filled with sawdust. Maybe you could request cedar chips or lavender sachets? When Tatianna was in tenth grade, her brother was diagnosed with HIV. That led her down a scientific path, because she's always wanted to contribute to research about HIV. Mr. Jay asks the question we're all wondering -- what the hell is she doing here? Tatianna says that she's been in the science world for so long and wants to check out the modeling reality. Not the right thing to say. But Tatianna wants some glamour in her life, and for people to identify her as something other than a lab coat. Boy, does she have a lot of teeth in her mouth. And yet also a lot of gums. The judges wonder if modeling is really a passion for her.

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America's Next Top Model

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