America's Next Top Model

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Last week, we all saw Krista come out on top and be named America's Next Top Model. But there's more! In fact, there's a whole hour devoted to never before seen (and some at-least-once before seen) clips. There's drama that Tyra claims will surprise us, though after fourteen seasons it would be hard to imagine any sort of brownie-carving, frozen-vegetable instigating bitchery that is truly unexpected. There's also new vocabulary, courtesy of ALT. And there's a shocking new level of catfighting competition. Again, not shocking, given that the casting call for this show now basically says, "Wanted! Tall, stank bitches." Thirty-two beautiful girls came to Los Angeles to join Tyra's Top Model network, but only thirteen made their way to New York to begin the competition. And now, we'll get treated to all the excitement that we missed. Clip show stankery, begin!

The cast of Cycle 14 headed to New York to begin the competition, and were surprised by force-of-evil Perez Hilton, who gave them a tour of Madame Tussaud's wax museum. Tyra was there too, with a surprise of her own -- a new, unwashed addition to the competition named Ren. Before we could say "laser hair removal!" the girls headed off to makeovers, where Ren proudly showed everyone her furry armpits. It was a Top Model first. After a whirlwind first day in New York, the girls moved into their downtown loft, which, as always, was way more awesome than they deserved. Gabrielle -- remember her? -- felt like a princess being in the house. Alasia agreed that the house was the nicest she'd ever been in, in part because it had brand new pots and pans. If she ever does make it to ALT's salon, I'm guessing the weave will blow right off of her head. Alasia also told us that the tub was large enough to host a rave, which thankfully never actually happened. Though it's been way too long since this show has had lesbian hijinx.

All of the stankness was present even on the very first evening of the competition, with eventual winner Krista screaming at Alasia about fakeness. Even the most innocent among the girls, Tyra says, seemed to feed on the drama. We see Raina telling a few others that some girls are already getting super catty. She may get frustrated and irritated with their behavior, she says, but she's not going to be a jerk. With that, a Perez Hilton-esque drawn-on halo appears above Raina's head. At least there's nothing dripping from between her legs. In a confessional, with drawn-on angel wings and halo, Raina says that she's not going to go around saying hurtful things to other girls. That's because she's going to say hurtful things behind their backs. We see Raina telling a few other girls that Angelea is, in fact, not all that. Oh, but wait! Raina then confessionalizes that you shouldn't talk about people behind their back unless you're trying to give advice about something. With this, the halo and wings fall off, and we see Raina and Alexandra talking about Anslee's gorgeous, non-modelesque fake boobs. If you're talking just to talk mean about someone, a newly devil-ified Raina says, you shouldn't talk at all because it's unfair. Cut to Raina saying that Anslee probably got fake boobs to feel confident, since she must not have initially felt any confidence at all. Oh Mylanta! Raina is a stank bitch too! Cut to Krista doing her angelic Raina impression, and then saying, "Please. All of us have talked about everyone." How could you not?

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America's Next Top Model

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