America's Next Top Model
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Just one week ago, Tyra tells us, Nicole was named America's Next Top Model. Flashback in which Nicole whoops, smiles, tells us that she was never the kind of girl who got lot of attention. Well, judging from the reunion special to come, things haven't changed much. At the finale party in L.A., Nicole celebrated like only a top model can. Coke, booze, and regurgitation? Boy, do I wish I was there. Tyra says that Nicole is a "pure model," which is what the show wanted this year. A nation mumbles, "A little late for a half-hearted attempt at legitimacy, isn't it, Banks?" Nicole's competitors were there, too, to "help her celebrate." Now, everyone has gotten together to dish about the competition, what really went down in the house, and their future. Their futures, apparently, involve a lot of Tyra asking questions and then talking over them. But at least Jayla will have to answer for "You're a stupid, stupid bitch," so who am I to complain? Cheering leads us in from a commercial to...a talk-show set. A blue talk-show set. A blue talk-show set that looks oddly familiar even if I haven't seen it before. And then Tyra comes dancing out and waving. Yes, people, this is how it's going to go down. We are on Tyra's talk-show set, and are essentially watching an episode of The Tyra Banks Show. Man, do I feel dirty and used. Tyra tells the screaming fans in the audience who may or may not be members of her staff (caught you again, Djb!) that their dedication to mind-rotting fare involving scantily clad women and catfights has led to the most successful Top Model finale ever. Ever, ever, ever, ever! That was a direct quote. People whoop and cheer, because that's what you do when you're in a talk-show audience. And because the fans love these girls so much, they've gathered them together on Tyra's talk-show set for a reunion. Tyra tells us that it's going to be so much fun. Not if you're Sarah! She promises us juicy details about what happened this cycle, as well as what's coming up in the fabulous life of Nicole. So this won't just be a series of flashbacks that we've already seen seventeen times, strung together with some pointless talking in between that illuminates nothing except the boundlessness of Tyra's own ego, right? Right? RIGHT? Tyra welcomes all the girls, who come out on a little catwalk. I like the ones who don't seem to be stomping runway-style quite so much. These include Lisa and Kim. Nicole is, of course, the last one to come out and does so with a little bit of fanfare. She walks like...well, ass. Look, I was as impressed as the next person with her runway performance in the finale, but secretly she might kind of suck. I think one week is long enough for the backlash to kick in, no? She is also wearing knee-length formal shorts, à la Kim. She looks pretty and very skinny, and her hair is straightened. Also, she has some kicking eyebrows. Tyra asks Nicole, "So Nicole, how does it feel to want to be America's Next Top Model, but now you ARE America's Next Top Model?" And while I'm not sure if there's anything officially grammatically wrong with that sentence...it just feels so wrong. I think it's the "but." Nicole says she can't even explain how it feels, because the feeling is so "undescribable [sic]," and that this is her dream and that it's amazing to be able to do what she loves to do. Tyra asks what emotion she felt when her name was announced. She says that she was numb, and that it didn't really kick in until later. Or maybe it still hasn't kicked in, since she appears to be somewhat devoid of any of the spirit of life. I guess she's probably just still stunned, or being extra-careful, or is tired from her exciting day of signing autographs at Walgreen's. The life of a top model is one big flurry of fun, after all.
America's Next Top Model