The girls head to their new home of Venice Beach, and manage to move in without any drama that we are privy to. We learn a few key facts. Kayla is an out lesbian -- the only one in the house, apparently. Anamaria has an eating disorder-- er, is on a "calorie-restricted diet" and "happy with" her emaciated body. And Ann wants to date a 60-year old warlock. She's in the right place, I guess.
The first challenge of the season has the girls walking in lovely Diane von Furstenberg clothes on a plexiglass runway suspended four stories in the air. They all wear harnesses so no one actually can plummet to her death, which I think really takes the suspense out of the whole endeavor. As a crowd watches below, the girls stomp and try not to look afraid. There are a few stumbles on the steps that lead to the runway, but the harnesses don't actually get any work. Kacey, who is nearly blind without her glasses, has a few nervous moments, but since season three taught us what's possible when a person has an actual degenerative eye disease, it's hard to be too impressed.
This cycle's first photo shoot has a message, per usual. Tyra is taking a stand against teen bullying, and so has the girls identify a word or phrase that was used to bully them. This word is then written all over their bodies, along with a positive reframing. For example, Ann's bullying word is "giant," but her empowering word is "Amazon." "Mrs. Warlock" was already taken. Kayla gets very emotional about having the word "queer," which was used to torment her, placed all over her body. But she's a smart girl and plans to use this emotion, along with the meaning of her empowering word, "free," to come up with a kick-ass photo. Terra gets freaked out by the fact that she's being a model, and has trouble bringing life to her luscious lipped "soup cooler" concept shot. Anamaria's bag-o-bones physique is problematic, and Jay tries to get her to pose in a way that hides her prominent ribcage. You'd feel bad for the girl if she wasn't such a hag all the time. Demi Lovato also makes a visit to talk about how bullying is bad and people called her a whore.
Panel is a glorious event featuring Andre Leon Talley -- looking like the glamorous warlock after whom Ann is lusting -- and Miss Diane von Furstenberg herself! Overall, the pictures are surprisingly decent. Kayla and Chelsey have great photos, but in a lovely development it's Ann who takes best-of-week honors. Soup cooler Terra ends up in the bottom two along with Anamaria. President of the CFDA Diane von Furstenberg says that beauty is health, and Anamaria gets sent home with the number of a counselor that she'll never use.
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Thirty-two bitches boarded a bus to Smizeville, and learned that they were vying for an Italian Vogue spread. Kayla showed up looking like a hot mess, but magically became kind of decent when her hair went from curly mop to freshly showered. Terra and Chris are going to get old real soon with their exhausting shtick. And Anamaria actually seemed to know what she was talking about. Fourteen girls are in it to win it!
We jump right in with our new models, who are strolling the Venice Beach boardwalk. Chelsey tells us that it basically lives up to every stereotype she's heard. Rollerblades, dogs, hippies. Anamaria, who is in possession of an extremely cocky walk, interviews that all of these girls are her competition. She notes that she's extremely high fashion, versatile, and irritating. That last part might be implied. Anamaria says that it might be her New York attitude, but she thinks she's fucking awesome. That makes one of us. Terra tries to convince us that it's an advantage to be in this competition with her sister, since the two of them will be able to pick off the others one by one. She hasn't yet realized that modeling isn't a full-contact team sport, apparently. Not that that wouldn't be great, particularly if styling tools could be used as weapons.
Venice Beach icon Harry Perry rollerblades up to the girls in his big-ass turban, playing the Top Model theme on his electric guitar. In the words of Chris, "Who is this fool?" Well, according to Wikipedia, playing an electric guitar on rollerblades while wearing a turban is, in fact, his vocation. Rhianna will probably be married to him by the end of the episode. After thoroughly scaring the girls, Harry Perry tells them that the fastest way to start their climb to the top is in their new house, which is right behind him. He looks back on a glass-walled structure and the girls grab their key and race in. Kendal, who lives in a mobile home normally, calls the place a glass palace. Or, as some may say, a fish tank. There are a lot of Italian Vogue covers on the wall, which ups the excitement for everyone. Chelsey says that her favorite part about the house is the runway in front of the window. For Rhianna it's the sandbox on the top level. That is certainly not the cleaning lady's favorite feature. Maybe some stray cats will make their way in and fashion it into a makeshift litter box. I would watch the hell out of those cats if they got their own show.
Everyone gets settled in to their new digs, and Chris tells us that it's hard to get used to all the different personalities. To wit, Chris tries to have a conversation with Ann. She opens by saying that they're going to find Ann a man. Ann kind of cracks up, but Chris is serious. She asks Ann what her type is. Ann replies, "Hobos are kinda hot." Chris is wearing a shower cap at the moment, which makes it all the more special when she says, "Big beard with a yellow ring around their mouth, yeah that turns me on." She diplomatically interviews, "Ann's different," and explains that she's nice and is just trying to hold a conversation. Those are her first and second mistakes. Chris asks Ann how old she'll go, and Ann says, "Sixty." She cracks up but you know she's totally serious and is going to, like, end up marrying Stephen Hawking. As if Chris's patience hasn't been tried enough, Ann adds, "He has to be a warlock. And he has to spit fire. And he has to know how to make sushi." Ann tells a nice story about being ostracized because she's so tall, but I think we're getting a little insight into the social dynamics at play. Though I can't say that I wouldn't at least try a warlock-owned sushi restaurant. Maybe she's on to something. Ann interviews that she's a weirdo. Thanks for clarifying. She doesn't go on to say whether it's by design or default. I'm not sure where I stand on that issue.