America's Next Top Model

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Dive Bomb

The next morning, the girls celebrate Laura's birthday! She confessionalizes in crazy-voice, "It's my birthday! Everybody loves me on my birthdaaaaay!" The other girls serve her some breakfast, and Laura tells us that she came into this competition with absolutely no experience. It's been quite a transition from castrating bulls to modeling. Laura is 20, and celebrates by eating her eggs and spam. Just like home! She's pleased to be on the track to fulfilling her dreams. If eating spam is her dream, she's already won. But anyway, happy birthday Laura, most likeable Top Model contestant ever!

The girls head to the beach, and Erin brats that it smells like fish. It's the beach, you nit. She further brats, "Are we camping out? Cause I don't wanna." Yeah, camping out on the beach in sunny Hawaii totally sucks. Dumb Hawaii. A boat approaches with several men paddling Cleopatra Barbie to shore. The girls are stunned to see that it is in fact Victoria's Secret model Marisa Miller. Laura tells us that she's loved Victoria's Secret catalogues since she was a youngster, and actually studied them. Perhaps Grandma Wanda Sue even made her some trampy bloomers! Marisa introduces herself as "Marisa Miller, American supermodel." She explains that she started her career doing spreads in Italian and American Vogue, is a Victoria's Secret angel and has been in numerous fashion campaigns. AND she's only 5'8". The girls are thrilled at this last bit of news. Marisa Miller's voice makes me glad that she's a print model.

Marisa is there to teach the girls how to be hot and not over the top. She starts by instructing the girls to strip down to their bikinis, and does the same herself. Her rack is pretty otherworldly. In a good way. Posture is her first lesson. She tells the girls to show their curves, and tooch their booty rather than tuck it under. And then she gets on all fours in the sand, which is of course the pinnacle of taste. Marisa imparts a lesson that she learned from Tyra: women like to see a model's curves from the side, while men like to see all the lady bits straight on. The girls should be aware of their audience. Marisa also suggests that the girls pretend to wear high heels even when they're barefooted -- a technique called the "Barbie toe" -- to give a nice pop to their hips. Jennifer notes that this is especially important for shorty petite models.

Marisa sends the girls into the ocean and yells at them to not be "little pussycats" and get wet. Sundai doesn't want to get her hair wet, since it will lead to a big Afro. Marisa gives her the okay to just wet her face. When they're back on shore, the wet girls have to writhe around in the sand until they're covered in it. Laura gets a blurred boob for her enthusiastic efforts. She reminds us that she has a terrible sunburn, so the sand feels awesome on her raw, red skin. She smiles the whole time, though, because she's a pro. Marisa tells the girls that they have to be prepared for everything. When she's shooting for Sports Illustrated she'll often be covered in sand, and the photographers will like it. Like she is here. Sadly, she does not show the girls how to pose with their pants halfway around their asses. Rather, she instructs the girls to wash off under a makeshift shower on the beach, and pose all the while. Laura goes first, and Marisa has to tell her not to rub her own boobs. Laura has to be conscious of her body positions as well. Marisa tells Jennifer to close her mouth and yells, "What are ya tryin' to catch in there?" So gross! She does, however, compliment Jennifer on her Barbie toe. Sundai is cute, but Marisa says sometimes she's too cute and looks five. Erin gets on her knees in the sand, which is a popular choice. She says it wasn't hard to be in the shower since she's pretty aware of what her body does. Then it's Nicole's turn. She says she's never tried to be sexy for anyone, so it was weird for her. She tries to remember everything Marisa told her, and her final verdict is that her posing was cute if not impossibly sexy.

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America's Next Top Model

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