America's Next Top Model

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Blinded by the Light

Meanwhile... it's time for retardation. We join the Jays at Bergdorf Goodman where they get a call on their iPhone-esque device. It is Tyra, wearing a trench coat and top hat. She wishes the Jays good morning and details their mission, if they choose to accept it. You know, after the whole Good Fierce Witch thing, we're getting off pretty easy, so I'm not going to complain. Anyway, mission: "In your hands are 12 dossiers of 12 busted-up models. I need you to transform these wannabes into high-fashion top fierce femme fatalian models." And who better than the fatalian stallions to complete this mission? Tyra warns that there will be tears and trials and "Oh no my hair"! But she doesn't care. Because misery is her business, and stock has unexpectedly gone up. Fatalian!

The girls finally make it to Bergdorf Goodman's which, if you'll recall, is where Celia actually works. Maybe if they don't give her some disastrous time-killing weave she can go make a buck or two. The girls are in the John Barrett salon and, obviously, are getting makeovers. John Barrett himself comes out and he is apparently super-famous. If he's not on Shear Genius, his hair styling fame is lost on me. Celia, however, assures us that he's amazing and that people wait two months to get an appointment with him. And now these ungrateful bitches get it right away and for free. Jay tells the girls that instructions about their new looks are in their dossiers which are marked, "Confidential: For Fierce Eyes Only." If a dead-eyed model tries to look in there she spontaneously combusts and Tyra uses her as a charcoal briquette. Anyway, the girls won't get to see their looks until they're complete, however it's usually pretty obvious when someone is shaving your head and/or attaching a long Ronald McDonald weave to it.

The girls get settled and both Celia and Kortnie express some trepidation about the thought of going short. Aminat, however, could not be happier. Her afro was thirsty, and now it's getting a big tall frosty glass o' product. Jessica bores the shampoo girl to death by talking about all the opportunities her time on Top Model will get her. Secret Agent Tyra appears in the bottom corner of the screen and tells us that Jessica is the prettiest girl in her high school but needs to be edged out to be a true top model. So they're chopping her hair shorter and adding some wave and some red. It's a gorgeous cut, and nothing worth crying about, and Jessica looks great. Sandra is next, and Tyra tells us that a beautiful bright smile deserves beautiful bright hair. So Tyra is, and I quote, "Cutting off that Mohawk thing." Like me, Tyra was at a loss for descriptors of Sandra's busted hair. Sandra will also be going blonde. It's a striking look and not all that unlike that of Kanye West's new girlfriend. Too bad they haven't transformed her into a modern day Coco. In any case, Sandra is much improved and of course thinks she looks great and that the other girls need to step up their game.

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America's Next Top Model

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