America's Next Top Model

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Blinded by the Light

Next we have Allison and her big creepy eyes. Tyra tells us that those eyes deserve big, blonde, long, luscious hair. Allison says she feels like a mermaid. It's like if a mermaid mated with some sort of weird troll-like woodland creature and their baby was adopted by kindly religious folk and raised in tangentially human civilization. Meanwhile, Christian asks Nijah when she last washed her hair. She says it's been two weeks, and Christian jokes that they have to wash the sink now. I await the impending Tabatha's Salon Takeover. Nijah's hair is boring, so she gets a big-ass weave.

Natalie walks in while Fo is getting her hair cut and says she looks so cute. Fo says that all she wants is extensions. I'm going to have to invoke the Rolling Stones here, aren't I? Tyra says that she sees cuteness when she looks at Fo -- cute freckles and cute face. But cute doesn't cut it in Top Model world, and she's cutting all of that cute hair off. And now Fo looks even cuter in a cute pixie type way! Fo tells us that she was not expecting a short haircut at all, and needs a little time to get used to it in her own skin. She seems way too calm about it right now, which of course only means that the related post-traumatic stress is going to be spectacular.

Celia is a bouncing blonde, according to Tyra, who suddenly has a vaguely British accent like someone who is impersonating Madonna really badly. Tyra uses this accent always when she is "in character." She probably busted it out when she was in her fat suit for The Tyra Banks Show, which really compromised the integrity of that data collection. People weren't being mean to her because she looked fat, they were being mean to her because she's an idiot. Anyway, Celia has beautiful hair, but it gets in the way of her gorgeous cheekbones. So it's getting cut off! Celia gets a bit emotional about it, and Jay says that her hair was long and dry as Ghandi's sandals. Natalie sees Celia crying and hopes she won't have the same fate. However, in the end, Celia feels liberated without all the hair and thinks it will translate in photo shoots. I think it looks good, but still doesn't fix the problem of Celia's face.

Meanwhile, Jay tells Miss J. that if he is dry on his elbows or the husks of his feet (husks?) that he should just go dig his hands up in Aminat's weave. Amina's weave-fro is getting snipped out, which makes me sad. Tyra thinks it's limiting, and instead is giving Aminat some long Naomi Campbell-style waves. I don't know if this means that Tyra is working out her issues or that she secretly hates Aminat. Miss J. quite hilariously takes Aminat's weave and wears it like an old-school Sonny and Cher fur vest. Aminat's response? "Questionable, Miss J. Questionable behavior." Miss J. works it like the weavologist's layaway payment is due tomorrow. Aminat loves her new hair.

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America's Next Top Model




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