America's Next Top Model

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Blinded by the Light

Tyra then totally, and deservedly, insults Kortnie by saying, "Kortnie. Gosh, she's tan. And there's not much I can do about that." At least she didn't just bust out with, "Kortnie. She's fat and orange as befits a Nascar fan." Kortnie gets red hair, which I don't think bodes well. Tyra loves London's bone structure, and so is giving her short blonde hair. And by blonde she means "the color of pissy snow." She looks a lot different, but says that she believes change -- even drastic change -- is good. And then there's Natalie. The Jays go at her with scissors and Natalie stops them. She says she knows it's going to be extremely short, and she's not comfortable with that. Oooh. They might as well kick her off right now because she's going to be, as Dorothy "Tootie" Ramsay would say, "Truh-buuuuuulllllll." Jay tells Natalie that when she says "wait" to John she's also saying "wait" to Tyra. And Tyra waits for no one, except the mother ship that promised to come back for her. Miss J. orders, "Cut her hair." Natalie moves her head away and says, "I can't, dude, I can't." Fo, with her little boy cut, gives the "this ho is trippin'" look. John divas that he can't do this and storms off as we head to commercials.

When we return, Jay tells Natalie that at the end of the day nothing is happening to her hair. Natalie was micro-punk'ed! And she was taught a valuable lesson. Secret agent Tyra pops up in the bottom of the screen and says, "Natalie... she looks fine like she is." Jay tells Natalie that when they saw her in casting they thought she was a model head to toe and they didn't need to do anything. Not even wax those eyebrows? Come on, now. The lesson that Natalie has learned is to trust the people she works with. Jay adds that they're not doing things for shock value. 1) That is lies. 2) Would you trust an orange man with silver Astroturf hair? Fo is kind of pissed and interviews that she thought Natalie would at least get a trim or some highlights. She sighs as she says, "She's perfect, I guess." Natalie is flattered that she has championship-winning hair that not even Tyra wanted to fuck up.

Next there's Teyona and her wind-tunnel face. She is getting hair that is, and I quote, "Slicked back and juicy, like a jeri curl. " There's a reason that Jeri curls were usually singular when they were in style 25 years ago. A whole head of them is pretty busted-looking. Tyra for some reason has determined that Tahlia needs a mane like a lion, so she's getting a big blonde-weave. I'm surprised it's not Lady Godiva length to cover her body even when she's wearing skimpy clothes. Tahlia loves it. Fo, meanwhile, is annoyed. She sees all of her competition getting long, luscious hair and thinks everyone looks better than she does. The tears start. Sandra interviews that she's one step away from being bald as Telly Savalas, and she's not complaining. If you can't take getting your hair cut, you shouldn't be a model, she says. I'm with her on that one. Nut up -- it grows. Fo is so upset that she can't even explain herself, and so is forced to give an agonized snort to show her displeasure.

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America's Next Top Model

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