America's Next Top Model

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Timing Is Everything

And then, it's money shot time. Alexandra emerges and, right off the bat, falls down a flight of stairs. I wouldn't be surprised if someone buttered them before she walked out, but still. I think she actually slides down the stairs on her knees, which, ouch. She tells us that she was instantly mortified, but her competitive spirit told her to suck it up and keep going. In retrospect she realizes that she should have taken a breath and pulled it together, but at the time all she could think was to be fierce and distract the audience. Oh, she distracts them all right. Alexandra walks, and has to stop for a second before the first pendulum swings by. Ms. J. notes that she looks mad. Alexandra poses at the end of the runway and makes her return trip.

And just when you think that fall was enough humiliation for one episode, a pendulum clocks her and knocks her right off the runway. I mean, money shot. And if you didn't rewind this at least 50 times on the DVR, you're a much better person than me. Ms. J. throws his hands up with simultaneous horror and glee. Runway gurus: they're just like us! We get to relive Alexandra's fall down the stairs an fall off the runway in sepia-toned slow motion, as God intended. She gets back up on the runway and the pendulums are suspended, to give her a fair chance. Backstage, a beat-up Alexandra gets her knee bandaged. Her fancy dress is totally ripped. She tells us that she's really competitive and lets things get to me, and she never predicted that she would get knocked off the runway by a giant pendulum. Which, fair.

Ms. J. and Rachel give the girls their critiques. Alexandra got knocked off the runway by a giant pendulum. Alasia needs to take longer and more elegant steps, but her face was insane in a good way. Rachel loves how Brenda wore the dress, and her elegance. Raina is getting better and better. Ren needs to loosen up, and J. tells her that her body isn't there yet and it completely throws her off. Naduah does the weird lip thing, and needs to relax her face so her effortless beauty comes through. And the winner of the challenge is... Brenda! She really did a great job, and now has a gorgeous dress and no place to wear it. Jessica, since she had the best photo in the last episode, also gets to keep her ensemble. She kind of got a raw deal with that one, though maybe aqua blue blazers fly in Arkansas.

Back at home, it's time for serious drama. Alasia is loud, and Ren tells her to shut the fuck up. Alasia then goes ten kinds of crazy on her ass and starts screaming in her face. Ren goes, "Blah blah blah." Alasia confessionalizes, "I ain't gonna let nobody speak to me like that for no reason." She is wearing a striped turtleneck and flowered headscarf, all of which add up to one big picture of crazy. She quite hilariously screams to an ostensibly calm Ren, "You need to calm the fuck down!" The other girls stand around awkwardly and have bad memories of their parents fighting. Alasia points out that Ren started shit with her, which is kind of true, but the craziness that Alasia's displaying right now is a little frightening, delightful as she is. She throws some kitchen implements around as she screams. In a contemplative confessional she says, "I hate having to snap on people." Indeed. Ren pulls a wooden spoon out of the sink and claims it was thrown at her. Alasia rightfully points out that if she actually wanted to hit Ren with that spoon, she would have. Ren confessionalizes, "I could be happy living my life, and instead I chose to be in this crazy fucking house." She's crying, and perhaps on the verge of mental collapse. Goody! If you are a willing participant in America's Next Top Model, I can only muster up so much sympathy. Even when Alasia shouts, "I know where you sleep, dog!" With the thrill of terror, we head to commercials.

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America's Next Top Model

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