America's Next Top Model

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Timing Is Everything

Tatianna is next, with her spread eagle legs covered by a scarf. Her face looks crazy good. Andre says that if this was a Dior foulard -- and at this moment he turns to Tyra and says in a lower voice, "Scarf." -- he'd buy it. Well, it's a Custo Barcelona scarf. And it's been draped over lady bits. He's not buying anything. Tatianna is smizing, which is good, but she was in this pose for three-quarters of her film, which isn't good. Last up is Alasia. Of course her "best shot" is the one where she's covering her ass crack with her arm. Neither Sally nor ALT has ever seen a photo like this before and Nigel pipes in, "There's a reason." The members of the panel totally laugh at Alasia to her face, which is not very nice. It's one thing when we do it at home, or in a recap. But have a little compassion, Nigel Barker! Nigel harshly asks, "Which fashion magazines have you been studying? Explain to me." Alasia starts crying, because she's afraid of being sent home.

And then ALT, like the fairy godmother to a woodland fantasy nymph that he is, tells Alasia that he absolutely loves the photograph. He applauds her for the boldness and imagination of the whole thing, and says it's a raw, beautiful photograph. Tyra and Nigel give some choice looks. But ALT is undeterred. He says that if this was shown in a gallery he'd buy it and hang it in his salon. Not his hair salon. His French SA-lon, like he's Gertrude Stein. ALT defines "salon" as a room where you go and you converse, and serve beautiful drinks, and talk about politics, religion, art, love, sex, beauty, wine, roses, and the fabulous girl with her fabulous derriere. As you can imagine, no one has anything to say to that, though I bet Nigel is totally going to go home and redecorate his den to make it more salon-esque.

The judges deliberate. Ren has a classic nude pose, and ALT likes the emotion in her eyes while Sally likes her waifish Kate Moss vibe. ALT thinks that the best thing about Simone is her skin, and she didn't sell her jacket properly. He adds, "It's all awkward and gauche." Not salon material, apparently. Tatianna's photo works, but possibly only because Tyra and ALT are obsessed with the Cavalli/Gucci/Dior/luxury brands-ish scarf. Again: Custo Barcelona. ALT thinks that Gabrielle's shot is boring, cliché, and catalogue-y from the wrong catalogue. Sally thought she was hidden, and Nigel sees no emotion. Jessica is "it," according to ALT. Sally loves her body, attitude, and sexy hair. Krista's picture is wretched, but ALT thinks she has potential when you see her in person. ALT is not impressed by Naduah, and thinks it's a copycat pose. Tyra loves it, though, possibly because it reminds her of kidfucker cults.

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America's Next Top Model

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