America's Next Top Model

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Looking Through the Fierce Eyes of Love

Sheena is next, and works it like you knew she would. Clark walks and Jay snarks, "Is the military in town?" I think Lauren Brie looks a little weird, but we hear no commentary about her so I guess she's fine. Marjorie has a really tight dress on, but still manages to broken-down-doll it. The Jays laugh at her, so I don't know if that's good or bad. Joslyn is conscious of not being too dramatic - she says her game plan was to walk straight, do some cute poses and go back. She actually does look pretty fierce. Hannah is a fucking nightmare. She walks like a robot with bombs for testicles. She blames it on nerves, and says she forgot everything she might have picked up on. Isis is next, and tells us that runway is her thing and the crowd went crazy when she walked. She thinks she has this competition in the bag. McKey does as well as one can do while wearing a curtain rod. And with that, the show is complete!

And now for the moment of truth slash doom. Miss J. tells them that overall they did pretty damn good. Analeigh was fantastical and fabulous. Jay says that this was the first time he saw the girl from casting step out in front of him. And with Bride of Frankenstein pioneer schoolmarm hair, no less! Samantha's arms were going like a windmill, and then the dress rode up, and it was oh no's all around. The crowd loved Joslyn's energy, says Jay, and Ann Shoket calls Joslyn, who is wearing a dress with foxes on it, a foxy lady. That's the kind of linguistic innovation you'd expect from the editor-in-chief of Seventeen. Hannah looked a bit nervous. She admits that she kept feeling like she was falling off the runway, and Ann points out that she looked scared. It was bad. Ann announces the challenge winner. It's Joslyn! Oh, good for her. She really has grown on me. She lets out a "Thank you, Jesus!" and tells us that her adrenaline is pumping.

And now for the bad news. Well, let's wait and determine if we really feel that what's about to happen is bad or good, shall we? Jay is going to eliminate someone right now, bitches, for real for real. He and Miss J. talked it over. And they determined...that Hannah gets the boot! I mean, not that I'm secretly thrilling inside or anything. Hannah whines, "I'm really sad right now!" Oh, is that a pity party I hear? Methinks Hannah has some beans to collect. Hannah is worried that she disappointed her family, though she knows that they're so proud of her already. Well, they can't watch the show in Town Without Electricity, Alaska. She should just tell them that she won. She tells us that she's learned a lot about herself - primarily that she's racist - and a lot about other people - primarily that they all think she's racist. She tried her hardest, she says, and that's all you can do. And then she's gone. Seriously. No more fanfare than that. Don't you secretly think that Tyra just started watching some footage and put her two brain cells together to come up with a way to get this bitch out?

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America's Next Top Model

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