Back at home, Jennifer tells the others that Rachel was a nice girl, but she wasn't able to connect with her. She exposes herself as a stealth bitch by interviewing that, while she's kind of sad for Rachel, she's mostly happy for herself. Even with the lazy eye! Her days are clearly numbered. Bianca goes sprinting from the hot tub to get a delivery of Tyra Mail! It reads, "A top model knows to never mask her best asset. It's time to separate the supermodels from the mere models. Tyra." Again, no "love"! I think this is the scandal of the season: Tyra stops pretending to care!
The girls head to a studio where they encounter an actor pretending to be a photographer with a French name. I mean, it's so obvious. He tells the girls that their mission is to give him the perfect picture in one shot. He yanks Jennifer up first, yells at her with the only French word he knows, and starts to shoot her. Laura interviews with buckets of southern charm, "This petite man is SO RUDE!" The photographer berates Jennifer and yells at the girls, asking with frustration if anyone can give him the perfect picture in one take. Before Sundai can volunteer, Tyra stumbles in wearing a trench coat, glasses, and a meek attitude and says she thinks she can do it. And right here we knew we were in trouble, though exactly how much trouble would have been difficult to predict. The photographer says he doesn't even know who she is. You know, because she's so cleverly disguised. You'd think the fact that the being before him is clearly an idiot would clue him in that it's actually Tyra, but no. Disguised Tyra poses terribly, and the photographer tells her that she's terrible. He then makes reference to the "itty bitty" models in the room and asks if this is Munchkinland.
And then, much like Bruce Banner, disguised Tyra gets very angry, whips off her coat, and changes into a giant, raging, humanoid monster. Which is really not so different than the Tyra we know, after all. She is now wearing a black bodysuit with a silver stripe down the middle, tall silver boots, and a silver lame cape. She twirls, as giant, raging humanoid monsters often do. The actor/photographer says with fear, "It's you! Super Smize!" Yes, it is her. Super Smize. The actor/photographer, while yelling in a panic, informs us of Super Smize's skills. She (he? it?) can stomp the runway to death with just one stomp! S/he/it stomps thrice, just for effect. S/he/it can also fiercely freeze in any pose. But, as s/he/its name might suggest, the most lethal weapon in Super Smize's arsenal is the ability to -- you guessed it -- smize. You might think that "smize" is a new term for female ejaculation, which frankly IS a lethal weapon and would be deserving of an entire giant, raging humanoid monster superhero in its honor. But no. As Super Smize explains, "That's right. Be afraid. Because I am going to defeat you with my smize! Otherwise known as...Smile. With. My. Eyes." Well, check and check, because I am both afraid and defeated.
Now, you might be surprised at this newfangled terminology (look out, 2010 OED!), but I'm really not. Because recently I learned from Tyra herself that she's "good for making up words." Where did I learn this, you may ask? Why, in Tyra's magaline, of course. Where she holds the position of "Chief Dreamer." Look, all I'm saying is that if the show Intervention ever held an episode where they wanted to save someone from general derangement, I've got a candidate. Should we be worried about her? I mean, yes. Yes. In two years she's going to be Miss Havisham-ing around her manse, wearing a Super Smize costume with cobwebs in the crotch, imparting bad relationship advice to her adopted daughter Sundai. No good can come out of this, is all I'm saying. And shouldn't it be "smeyes"?
Where was I? Oh yes. Super Smize commences with the smizing, thus rendering the actor/photographer powerless. To her smize. He feels that he must take a picture, and then does so, but soon after is forced to run out of the room yelling, "I've never seen such power in my life!" Now, I know I might be trying to ill-advisedly impose logic on this situation, but if your goal is to be a model do you really want to acquire a skill that makes a photographer run out of the room? I'm just saying. The whole time this is happening the girls are just standing there looking vaguely uncomfortable. Wannabe models! They're just like us.
Tyra -- I MEAN SUPER SMIZE -- tells the girls that they can be more powerful than any model, including the tall glamazon bitches, if they only learn the power to smize. And then, in case you were wondering, there is a lesson in smizing. Here's what you do: "Stand feet shoulder width apart. Shoulders down, as if somebody is going 'ugh.' Necks up. String coming out of the top of your head. Squint. Okay, put your hand on your tummy. And I want you to think of something delicious. It can be a hot fudge sundae. It can be your boyfriend kissing your neck." Can it be having at Super Smize with a pickaxe? Hey! It worked! I'm smizing! I'M SMIZING!
Super Smize then works with each girl individually. Brittany's happy thing to think about is her cats, so Super Smize puts her hand on Brittany's tummy and says, "Okay, let's touch the cats. That sounds a little gross. But we're talking about cats." It does not help matters that s/he/it makes Brittany purr aloud, and then purr silently in her head. Brittany is psyched about this experience, since it's rare and special for girls to get one-on-one time with Super Smize. Jennifer is thinking about sheetcake. She admits in an interview that she's worried about being Lazy Smize. Sundai is thinking about noodles. Beef noodles. Super Smize notes that in Japan the louder you slurp the better it tastes. And then Super Smize and Sundai slurp together and I, having a particular aversion to slurping sounds, wish that Super Smize had just done me in earlier. Nicole has a heavy brow, but thankfully not a Bloody Smize.
And then, just when you thought things couldn't get better, it's Courtney's turn. Super Smize asks Courtney what she's thinking about. Courtney says she's thinking about pizza, and Super Smize asks, "And what is on the topping of this human pizza?" Uh, humans? I guess Super Smize is an alien, or at least a very robotic imbecile. Courtney says that pepperoni is on the topping of this human pizza and Super Smize asks, "Turkey pepperoni or real pork swine?" Let me say it again. TURKEY PEPPERONI OR REAL PORK SWINE. Courtney gives Super Smize a "Bitch, are you trippin'?" sideways glance, which is 99% responsible for her boot at the end of the episode, but also reassures us that the models, much like us, think that Tyra is a fucking psycho.
And now I must give a special shout-out to genius reader Kelly, who discovered through the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office that "smize" has, in fact, been trademarked by Ty Loke Productions, and covers goods and services including (among hundreds if not thousands of others) ornamental lapel pins, thermal underwear, parasols, self-esteem development, toy wrestling gear, carpet padding, hair nets, pot holders, cotton ball dispensers, high chairs, paper napkins, floppy disks and scented pine cones. If this doesn't fill your heart with terror, you have been smizing for way too long.
It is now time for the girls to adjourn to the Fortress of Fierceness, where they will battle it out to see who has the best smize. When they arrive, the girls are dressed in pink and purple spandex bodystockings with hoods and retractable mouth masks. Tyra greets them, explaining that Super Smize had