America's Next Top Model

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Super Smize Me
to go on a run after she got an emergency distress call from some girls who were taking their senior class portraits and didn't know how to smize. TURKEY PEPPERONI, OR REAL PORK SWINE? When I don't know what to say, I'm just going to say that. This is a challenge, of course, and the winner of the challenge will get to go to Tyra's favorite restaurant, coincidentally named Bazaar. They will dine with Sean Patterson of Wilhelmina. Now that's something to smize about! Courtney bests Erin in the first smize-to-smize battle. Lulu, who has naturally smizing eyes and is in fact a whole lot more attractive when the rest of her face and head is completely covered, beats Rae. Laura narrowly out-smizes Sundai. Kara bests Nicole, and Brittany's smize is better than Ashley's. Finally, Bianca wins the battle of the smize over Jennifer (duh). And then, holy fuckballs, there is a full body shot and THE CAMELTOE! How can I smize when I have been blinded?!?!? It is real pork swine. I guess Bianca gets bonus points for smizing with her outer labia.

The winners of this challenge get a special surprise -- gorgeous dresses by Melissa Massey that do not feature the female genitals quite so spectacularly as their last outfits. The losers get waitstaff work clothes, because they clearly haven't been humiliated enough. Though if anyone knew how to smize, it was Flo from Alice. Kiss my smize! The winners dine with Sean, the losers wash dishes. Erin complains that she's not here to do dishes, she's here to model. And also to haunt us with her likeness to a ghostly apparition. Sean does a Q&A session with the girls. Brittany asks what he looks for when he first meets a model, and he says he likes models who talk. Unusual! Courtney asks if he has shorter models working. He answers in the affirmative, and adds that they make a lot of money. Sean then pretends that he's going to make another cut during dessert, which totally makes me smize.

Back at home, there is Tyra Mail. "In some professions, being small is a big advantage. Love, Tyra." Oh, the "love" is back. I guess Super Smize makes her feel kind towards the world. Jennifer and Bianca then get into a bit of a tiff about housecleaning issues. Basically, Bianca is about to put a dirty dish into a dishwasher that is clearly full of clean, still steaming dishes. Bianca gets all stank, and Jennifer gets lazy-eyed and exasperated. My theory is that, like the Gosselins, both of them are assholes. Commercials.

When we return, we are at Santa Anita Park, where Jay Manuel greets the girls. He tells them that this is the place where the story of Seabiscuit truly became legend. He was a short horse who beat all the odds and came out on top, without even having to smize. Horse: 1; Models: 0. For today's photo shoot, the girls will be posing on a horse with a real live jockey. I'm guessing this is to make them look taller. They'll also be nude, which is cause for great excitement. We've already seen it all in the Fortress of Fierce, ladies. No need to be shy. The girls will have to take everything they learned from Super Smize, and show that they truly can smile with their eyes. Smize smize smize smize smize smize real pork swine.

The girls get all gussied up, courtesy of makeup artist Sharon Gault (Sutan! We miss you!) and wardrobe stylist Joanna Konjevod (Masha and Anda! Eh.). Jennifer explains to us that posing topless is cool if a little nervewracking, and adds that the girls will be wearing very long wigs to cover their bubbies. Firooz Zahedi is the photographer for the day. Hopefully he won't go running off of the racetrack when he's on the receiving end of multiple smizes. The jockey who will be posing with the girls is named Norman, and he is seriously like three foot two. Rae interviews that this is probably the only time she'll be posing with someone shorter than she is, so she's going to take advantage of the situation. Rae sluts and smizes it up on the horse, as you do when you're half naked wearing a blonde Lady Godiva wig accessorized by a top hat with a mesh veil. Her body position is good, as is her smizing.

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America's Next Top Model




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