America's Next Top Model
Game

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I Be Like Ugh

Laura is up next, with her mega-hit "Southern Sweet Girl." There is so much writhing on the bed, and the Ark Music Factory rapper guy does double-duty on this one so we aren't subjected to Laura's singing for all that long. The hook is actually really catchy though. Nigel deems the whole thing lovable and adorable, which is consistent with Laura's brand. And then we cut to ALT, who is SO FUCKING OVER THIS SHIT. Tyra totally tricked him into being on this show with the high-fashion season, and now he has to fucking watch Laura Kirkpatrick write in her diary with a pink pen. He monotones that Laura's video is giddy, fun and charming, but the subtext says, "Anna Wintour will never have me over for dust sandwiches again! I'm ruined."

Then there's Angelea, whose video for "I'm Here" proclaims that at the end of the day, she doesn't care what a hater has to say. Well, the panel's remarks should just roll off of her like unicorn tears, then. I really like the song, but ALT says that the video fell a little flat, and that he would have liked to see her get away from the fence a little. It's true that she clung to that thing like it was her archnemesis's weave. Game agrees with ALT's assessment. Then Tyra graces us with one of her profound bon mots: "Now people are hearing music with their eyes." So be prepared the next time you watch your iPod on mute. Put the headphones right in your corneas. Tyra tells Angelea that she was blank during what is really an angry song. Angelea says that she's disappointed but not defeated, and that she knows she can do better.

Next is Alexandria. Her lyrics are: "Move and grow, ya take it slow / Never control, you keep your soul / Striving for top, you can't make me stop / I make my own clock / Now watch me go, go, go / Go, go, go / I need some time, but my mind says / Go, go, go / See me tip, tip toe / Round this insane flow / I know I go, go, go." But wait! The true piece de resistance is the bridge: "Pot Ledom, you roll / Top Model, you know / It's backwards fo' sho' / You silly broke hos." Okay, she should win the entire thing just for dropping "you silly broke hos" in there. I change my stance on everything, Alexandria is a genius. The judges, however, do not recognize said genius. Game tells her that even though she looked great, he never felt like he wanted to go, go, go anywhere, except maybe into a soundproof room. Tyra adds that Alexandria had a great chorus in particular, but her lackluster performance wasn't up to her amazing song. Nigel thinks she looks like a low-rent model employed to do a music video for the German recluse who actually wrote this song. In fact, I think that is exactly the case, you silly broke ho.

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America's Next Top Model

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