America's Next Top Model
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Intercultural Intermission

This season of America's Next Top Model is almost over, which means only one thing: it's time for a recap of the recap episode! I am writing this in the shade of my porch on this lovely Memorial Day weekend. I should be at the beach on this 79-degree sunny day, but I am the idiot who managed to get sunburned yesterday -- a day in which there was 45 minutes of sun, total. I was even wearing a t-shirt! So right now I just have a lobster red square on my upper chest. Thanks, v-neck. I sure hope this isn't some sort of horrible foreshadowing for my whole summer. Also: learn from my mistake and wear sunblock even when you think you don't need to.

But where was I? Oh, yes! This season featured a slew of ladies, some of whom were Caucasian Brits even paler than I! Seven UK imports battled against seven homegrown American model wannabes, with one from each nation remaining. In the next episode we'll get to see Sophie and Laura duke it out for the title of America's Next Whoserwhatsit, and the corresponding prizes. For now, though, it's time to look back from whence we came and become enraged afresh at the elimination of Azmarie and the defection of Alisha.

We begin at the beginning, when Tyra totally punked seven models from the US by surprising them with a crew of Brits who would be their competition. Upon learning that all of the UK girls had appeared on Britain's Next Top Model, the inexperienced Americans became extra surly. Oh my God, and remember how Laura had crimped hair? And remember how Kyle existed? Haha, memories. The Americans quickly bonded, as we witness in a never-before-seen clip! Seymone tells the others that she's a military brat, and Kyle says that she's from Texas, and then Azmarie says that she's 110 percent lesbian. That's SO Azmarie! Laura notes that Azmarie is purebred, while she herself is the bisexual equivalent of a Muggle. We then see Laura copping to the fact that Azmarie is one of the sexiest things she's ever seen, interspersed with a clip of Azmarie going, "Oh no no no no no." Say what you will, editors, but I can't envision a world in which those two didn't get it on at least a little.

For their first challenge, the US an UK girls went head to head in a runway battle full of tension and, like, catwalk shoulder bumping. Fierce barely checked aggression! The battle continued backstage, where there was apparently a rap-off of one, with Eboni displaying surprisingly proficient freestyling skills. Point one for the US! The girls settled into their new digs, and the Americans wasted no time in dropping trou and jumping into the pool. Alisha clutched her pearls and theorized that the American girls were 1) horny as hell; 2) not there for modeling. Sophie and Ashley predicted some girl-on-girl action, as Azmarie released mad pheromones into the pool water and Laura gazed upon her. But then we see a clip of Azmarie saying, "It's not a dating show, I'm not trying to date you," so maybe Laura's wiles were sanitized by all the chlorine in the pool.

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America's Next Top Model

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