America's Next Top Model

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Here Comes The Pain Again

Previously on ANTM: Whitters and Dominique had it out over accusations of racism and protestations of black best friends. But it was all United Colors of Benetton style harmony as the girls posed with paint dripping down their faces. Poor Marvita lost her will to be in the competition and, not coincidentally, her desire to smack a ho. She was eliminated, and we lost an awesome potential black best friend. Nine bitches remain!

We begin in the limo, with several girls complimenting Aimee on her picture from last week, in which her skin was luminescent. Small pores: the true blessing of the Mormons. Aimee interviews that she had never done modeling before, so the competition has been a real learning experience. Well isn't THAT a kiss of death opening interview if you've ever seen one? Lauren, meanwhile, tells us that she has confidence issues at panel. And why does she have confidence issues? Because it's scary. And listen, if you had to be within ten feet of Tyra's actual wig, I bet you'd start shaking, too. Lauren's trying to work on her confidence, but it's a huge inner struggle that will have to happen while she makes her way through the competition. Girl, just be glad you don't need to explain to your boyfriend and family back in Boonville why you turned into such a dyke the second you got on TV.

Claire talks on the phone to her husband, Matt. He tells her that her baby's teeth have just come through. Awww. Except, like, isn't that when babies start screaming all through the livelong night? Maybe it's better to be hanging on The CW. Claire tells us that she misses her husband and her baby a lot. And then we see some weird video of Claire and her family by some river, out in the wild, and maybe even in the Amazon or Nicaragua or something. It's all very...natural. Just go to the mall or something, God. Then we get a little bit of video of Claire's daughter, who is super cute but for all the drool sliding down her chin. But that's the way of all babies, isn't it? If it weren't for the drool and the sticky fingers and the wailing and the part where they eventually become teenagers, I'd have been knocked up long ago. Claire says that whenever she is by herself or starts thinking about how much she misses her baby, she cries. She then tells Matt that her milk is drying up. She's very sad that her baby might not be able to breast-feed again. Eh, I don't believe a word of those studies! I was raised on formula, and look where I am today: at home recapping on a Friday night! Take heart, Claire. Your baby's going to be just...[sob]. Claire tells Matt that she's doing okay, and that there are just a few folks in the house who irk her. But we'll get to that later. She interviews that it's hard living in a house with a whole bunch of bitches, but she'd be cheating her daughter if she didn't go for her dreams.

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America's Next Top Model

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