Don't worry, all you loyal Potes fans, she'll still be snarking on Tyra this season, she's just off tonight at the U.S. Open trying not to get arrested for accosting Rafael Nadal or something, and she'll be back for the full recap. There's no way she'd miss the season of shorties.
It's Le Cycle 13 and a strange man ushers in the 32 finalists to a room filled with naught but a runway. Then a man named Bradford walks out and tells the girl there's no room for petite girls in the modeling world, but Tyra comes out wearing what looks like a kimono and spouting "How dare you?" She's doing this with a strange French accent. I miss the Spartan guys.
There's your typical group of nutjobs and quirky-looking women, but this season they are all under 5'7", though you couldn't tell it because they are all wearing insanely tall shoes to compensate. We have Bianca, who shaved her head after she got beaten up by her boyfriend; Courtney, who has broken her foot four times and is currently using crutches; Nicole, who had a bloody eyeball when she was born and uses a wheelbarrow to transport her books to school and wonders why people think she's peculiar; Raven, who throws off the measuring chart with her mohawk and likes to cartwheel; Sundai, who was abused and adopted and thinks this show is more important than living; Alison, who is a modeling teacher and looks like she's in a pageant; Rae, who is a mother who was once abducted and assaulted; Erin, who doesn't like makeup; Kara, who lived in Fiji and castrated sheep; Lulu, who is 19 and gay and has her girlfriend's name tattooed on her chest; Amber, who is there because Jesus told her to be a model; Amanda, who lives in a pop-up trailer with no plumbing in New Orleans with her husband and occasional roommates; Brittany, who is the resident math geek; Jennifer, who thinks her Asian look will help her; Laura, who curls her hair with paper towels and castrates cows, but no one cheated on her; Ashley, who won her spot after Tyra's hairdresser spotted her and asked her to do the show; and Rachel, who has Bambi eyes, but not as badly as Allison from last year.
Then its time for 12 girls to get cut, as only the top 20 can make it to Tyra's Le Cycle run-through. The 32 girls open up garment bags, and those with clothes get to stick around and the others have to go home. Modeling teacher Alison and cute gymnast Raven are among the ones that are cut. The runway challenge ends with them getting four shots, and they have to do their own hair and makeup. After much discussion between Tyra and the Jays, the top 14 are announced. The girls in the running to be America's Next Top Petite Model are Jennifer, Erin, Rachel, Kara, Lulu, Rae, Ashley, Brittany, Bianca, Courtney, Nicole, Amber, Laura and Sundai. Tyra tells the loser girls that they can do face modeling… or something.
The second hour of the two-part premiere begins in Los Angeles with the girls shopping on Melrose Avenue. Amber is missing, and the Jays tell the ladies that because of "personal issues," she isn't continuing on. Did Jesus decide that he didn't want her to save the world with her modeling? Lisa takes her spot, and the girls are dispatched to a salon for a "Ty-over." Wow, early this season, and they didn't even get a chance to see their digs first. Tyra's gimmick this cycle is a Tyra-strator where she draws over the pictures to demonstrate the changes in a highly technical way. Nicole hopes that her hair is getting shaved, but instead it is massively teased into a mane. Sundai loses her ragged weave and gets a Rihanna look. Bianca has this season's biggest freakout, which is weird since she is entirely bald! She's mad that they are dying her eyebrows and thinks she'll look like an alien or Dennis Rodman.
They finally get to see the house and it has a cute sign that says you need to be this short to enter. The beds are marked with little paper doll versions of the girls, to dissuade stupid fighting over sleeping spots. There are funhouse mirrors and enormous larger-than-life pictures of Tyra through the years. Bianca worries that people will steal, and Laura thinks her clothes are all safe since they were all made by her grandmother. There's a bank vault door where the Tyra mail is kept, and the first note says: "Tomorrow will make you go gaga." The girls debate if this means Lady Gaga or babies. It's babies, sadly. Crazy Lady Gaga style has a lot of potential.
They are doing editorial pictures based on the girl's childhood photos. Rae, who had a ballet picture to imitate, has plastic pointe shoes with an 8-inch heel, she can't even stand in them. Bianca complains about her makeup. Jay tells her if she wants to be a model she's got to suck it up, and her face in her pictures is giving a bad attitude. Jay asks Nicole if she's awake, but she pops when she gets on set. When they get home, there's a treasure chest that has Tyra mail telling them that someone is going home. Rachel calls it the box of death, because it has a skull on it. Chanel Iman, Miss J and Nigel doing the judging. They make Sundai lose her leg warmers. Miss J's shirt has the number 14 on it., which is far better than the bow ties. Best photo of the week goes to Rae in her tippy-tall shoes. Bianca and Lisa are in the bottom two, and Lisa is eliminated because she was too boring to be on this show the first time, and still is too dull even with a second chance. - Angel Cohn
They're baaaaaaaack! I'm not talking about predatory supernatural beings who inhabit your TV and render you mysteriously brain-dead. Oh, wait. Yes, folks, it's America's Next Top Model! A show which over the years has broken down barriers for those who face relentless discrimination. The gap-toothed! The psoriasis-laden! The size eights! One Miss Tyra Banks voices over that she has always strived to push the boundaries of what people consider to be beautiful and to open the world of high fashion to women everywhere. Or, "open" the world of "fashion" to "a gaggle of deluded head cases, and the occasional cool person who mysteriously wanders into this show." And can I tell you that I just actually had to look up who was named America's Next Top Model last year? It was Teyona, who clearly has set the world and my consciousness on fire over the past several months.
Tyra continues that Jamie Rishar and supermodel Kate Moss have found huge success in the modeling world though neither is over 5'7". That's right, everyone, it is the season of the shorty. This cycle is open only to girls who are 5'7" and under. Frankly, it's one of Tyra's less-inspired moves. I mean, it's certainly no National Real Hair Day. But I do have a sudden craving for shrimp cocktail. Tens of thousands of girls auditioned, and 32 were chosen as semi-finalists and brought to Tyra's hometown of Los Angeles to prove that fierce has many faces... and sizes. Unless that size is a size 16. Sorry, fatties. Try The Biggest Loser.
With that, we are at the Biltmore Hotel, in the midst of something called Le Cycle 13: The Fall Collection. And wait! There's a man there in a pink shirt who looks like some sort of gay vampire checking the girls in. Did Tyra GET RID OF THE JAYS?!?!? I mean, Paulina is one thing, but Tyra getting rid of her own hag fags is something that would send shock reverberations through my living room, at least. We meet Amber, 18 from Oceanside, California, who quite conspicuously has a large quantity of crazy on her face. Bianca, 21 from Columbia, South Carolina, is bald and beautiful and probably nowhere near as stank as the original bald Bianca. She tells us that she's a junior at Howard University, has a brain, and could even carry on a conversation with Colin Powell or Hillary Clinton. Meanwhile, Amber is intrigued to learn that there is a new laxative on the market called "Colon Power." Courtney, 22 from Plantation, Florida, has a broken foot. The incident occurred during a recent cheerleading competition. She's still cheering at 22? America's Next Top Modelis maybe a sophisticated step for her. She finished the cheerleading competition even with her broken foot, which is a good way to develop a permanently disfigured foot. Go, Toros!