They're baaaaaaaack! I'm not talking about predatory supernatural beings who inhabit your TV and render you mysteriously brain-dead. Oh, wait. Yes, folks, it's America's Next Top Model! A show which over the years has broken down barriers for those who face relentless discrimination. The gap-toothed! The psoriasis-laden! The size eights! One Miss Tyra Banks voices over that she has always strived to push the boundaries of what people consider to be beautiful and to open the world of high fashion to women everywhere. Or, "open" the world of "fashion" to "a gaggle of deluded head cases, and the occasional cool person who mysteriously wanders into this show." And can I tell you that I just actually had to look up who was named America's Next Top Model last year? It was Teyona, who clearly has set the world and my consciousness on fire over the past several months.
Tyra continues that Jamie Rishar and supermodel Kate Moss have found huge success in the modeling world though neither is over 5'7". That's right, everyone, it is the season of the shorty. This cycle is open only to girls who are 5'7" and under. Frankly, it's one of Tyra's less-inspired moves. I mean, it's certainly no National Real Hair Day. But I do have a sudden craving for shrimp cocktail. Tens of thousands of girls auditioned, and 32 were chosen as semi-finalists and brought to Tyra's hometown of Los Angeles to prove that fierce has many faces... and sizes. Unless that size is a size 16. Sorry, fatties. Try The Biggest Loser.
With that, we are at the Biltmore Hotel, in the midst of something called Le Cycle 13: The Fall Collection. And wait! There's a man there in a pink shirt who looks like some sort of gay vampire checking the girls in. Did Tyra GET RID OF THE JAYS?!?!? I mean, Paulina is one thing, but Tyra getting rid of her own hag fags is something that would send shock reverberations through my living room, at least. We meet Amber, 18 from Oceanside, California, who quite conspicuously has a large quantity of crazy on her face. Bianca, 21 from Columbia, South Carolina, is bald and beautiful and probably nowhere near as stank as the original bald Bianca. She tells us that she's a junior at Howard University, has a brain, and could even carry on a conversation with Colin Powell or Hillary Clinton. Meanwhile, Amber is intrigued to learn that there is a new laxative on the market called "Colon Power." Courtney, 22 from Plantation, Florida, has a broken foot. The incident occurred during a recent cheerleading competition. She's still cheering at 22? America's Next Top Modelis maybe a sophisticated step for her. She finished the cheerleading competition even with her broken foot, which is a good way to develop a permanently disfigured foot. Go, Toros!