America's Next Top Model

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What It Do, Shorty?

Almost all of the girls have arrived but for one. Yes, my friends, Crazyface Amber is missing! Call the... hmmm. I'm not exactly sure who to call in this case. Ghostbusters, maybe? A giant hummer limo containing the Jays pulls up and whisks the girls away. Remember how for a hot minute Tyra was concerned about the earth and so basically had the girls drive around town in an old VW bus that ran on patchouli? Those were good times. When the girls arrive at their destination, Jay addresses the Amber issue. He says that, due to personal issues (Complete mental crack? Missionary trip to Uganda?), Crazyface will no longer be continuing on in the competition. And I quote, "You squeeze the nuts, and you push them up in their belly, you cut the sac off, you pull 'em down, you wrap 'em around your finger, and you pull it. And they just break off." But! There was someone during casting week who had a lot of potential and just missed out on making the top 14. It's Lisa, who's prepared to work extra hard to prove that she deserves to be there. Brittany's not so worried about Lisa, who is pretty boring. I'm sure she has some sort of calculus formula to back that up.

The shorties are in for a bit of a surprise, because before even getting to see their new abode they're heading right in for makeovers! Make that "Ty-overs." Jay introduces hairstylist to the stars and erstwhile Shear Genius judge Sally Hershberger! She gets right to work. Due to budget cuts this year, we have no fairy costume for Tyra to sport as she tells us what her nefarious makeover plans are for each girl. Rather, the "Tyra-strator" features a photo of each girl with her original hair, which is then drawn on with a sharpie to demonstrate the new hairstyle. And maybe, just for fun, someone will get a handlebar moustache too. Brittany's hair is getting edged out, and she's going brown. Jay thinks it makes her stand out. She definitely looks more like a soap opera villainess now.

Erin is going ice blonde, with ice blonde brows. It is, as always, unfortunate and makes her look like an extra from Lord of the Rings. Bloody Eyeball tells Sally that she hopes her head will be shaved, because then she'll be much faster in the shower. Even Sally, who has worked with the likes of Winona Ryder and Tom Cruise, seems to find B.E. a little odd. Kara tells us that she doesn't like Bloody Eyeball one bit. She's inscrutable, and also makes Kara nervous when she talks about things like being called Bloody Eyeball as a child. Bambi Eyes Rachel is getting dark brown hair, which makes things go in an uncomfortable Shelly Duvall direction if you ask me. Jennifer is getting a subtle cut and a brow-over. Lisa has long, beautiful, sexy hair, which in fact makes her TOO sexy. Tyra's going to chop it off. Or so she claims. In fact, Lisa's hair is still long post-makeover, and still sexy. And Bianca is still stank. She doesn't think that Lisa has much presence.

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America's Next Top Model

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