America's Next Top Model

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What It Do, Shorty?

The girls are herded into a ballroom where they are greeted by Mr. Bradford Sisk, VP of Bankable Productions. Who is not one of the Jays! Has Tyra pushed away those closest to her in her quest for a Tyrocracy? Or actually eaten them to help fortify her ever-expanding ego? And because she's hungry and the ribs alone aren't cutting it anymore? Bradford wears a shiny suit, and reminds the girls that they're short. Then he yells that there's no room in the modeling business for short girls. But, oh contraire! Tyra, complete in her Bea Arthur tribute caftan, emerges to great fanfare, screaming "HOW DARE YOU!" Oh, dear. And then she starts spouting nonsense in a French accent. Because this is LE Cycle 13, bitches. She is very French-ly and very fiercely planning, with her bunch of short stacks, to not only break the box, but to kick the box. Jennifer, 23 from Philadelphia, decodes this whole incident for us by explaining that Bradford was "the voice of society," while Tyra is, like, spearheading the fifth wave of feminism. Looking down from heaven, Elizabeth Cady Stanton -- who herself only stood at 5'2" -- is sad she did not live to see this day. Tyra explains, still in the French accent, that she's looking for 14 finalists. The girls are going to get their measurements taken, and if any girl taller than 5'7" has somehow snuck in she will be immediately evicted.

The girls head back to the wardrobe area where they are greeted by the Jays, who apparently weren't fired after all. Ah well, a girl can dream. Raven, 19 from Knoxville, interviews that the Jays are pretty in a way that men should not be. She means it as a compliment, even though Miss J. is turning into the living incarnation of Marla Gibbs with every passing day. Right now it's The Jeffersons-era Marla Gibbs, but he's rounding the corner of 227. The Jays explain that the girls will be measured, do a runway walk, and get a Polaroid headshot. They change into jeans and white tanktops -- model basics -- and have their height measured. Readheaded Nicole, 18 from Louisville, Colorado, touts her own level of maturity, which I'm sure means that she'll be the first person to write in someone else's brownies. And then there's Sundai, 18, from Bakersfield, California. Sundai didn't have the best childhood, as evidenced by her nonsensical name. She was in foster care and has wanted to model ever since she can remember. Sundai tells us that winning this competition would complete her life, like the cherry of doom on top of a tragic ice cream sundae (sundai?) of existence.

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America's Next Top Model

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