It's early go-see week! But first, the sloppy sluts engage in some coffee making. Fatima has some coffee in the press, and apparently Lauren throws it out. Or maybe there really wasn't that much coffee in there in the first place. In any case, this is all a demonstration in Lauren actually having a secret load of stank, as she makes a fresh batch and tells Fatima to choke on it. And more! Awesome. The girls head to Elite, where they are broken into two go-see teams and get a GPS cell phone to help them navigate, as they'll have to walk the whole time. Team one is Claire, Dominique, Whitney and Stacy-Ann. We'll call them, "Team Happiness and Harmony, Until the Alarm Clock Goes Off." Team two is Lauren, Fatima, Katarzyna and Anya. We'll call them, "Frankenstein and the U.N."
The teams first head to Pamella Roland, where Whitney gets confirmation that size 10 = hoss. Then again, Fatima is too skinny for Pamella Roland, so maybe the bitches are just like my mother: never satisfied. Whitney fares better at a go-see with Shoshanna Gruss, formerly known as Jerry Seinfeld's jailbait girlfriend. She actually likes to use different body types in her runway show, so Whitney regains some of her hoss confidence, much to the chagrin of Dominique. Lauren retains her Lurch-like quality throughout all the go-sees, including the final one with Alice + Olivia. Team Happiness and Harmony, Until the Alarm Clock Goes Off wins, with Stacy-Ann booking the most jobs of all the girls. They get to shoot a summer beauty story for Seventeen.
The photo shoot for the week is kicked off by Jay running on a giant treadmill then busting through a big wall of cardboard boxes. Anya thinks he looks like a silver robot, because on her planet everyone is orange-blind. Turns out the whole shoot is inspired by a whack-ass theater troupe called Fuerza Bruta, and the girls will have to flop around -- with no hair and makeup -- in some big, suspended plastic thingy filled with water. Claire does a face plant into the plastic thingy, and has to take a minute to assess whether she has actually done some damage to her head and neck. Katarzyna gets a haircut and cries, but then gets over it. And generally everyone is all squishy and wet.
The judges are infused with the spirit of Simon Cowell this week, as Paulina references Katarzyna's weird Easter European tackiness and Miss J. calls her "Neutrogena," and Nigel says it looks like Dominique styled her hair with semen. Fatima excels and Whitney looks like a sonogram -- a fierce sonogram. It's Lauren's weakest shoot to date, and she winds up in the bottom two with Claire, who is becoming one-note and, it must be said, kind of annoying. In the end, Lurch wins out and Claire heads back to her family with only some powdered milk and a broken neck for her troubles. Toodles.
Previously on ANTM: Dominique was rubbing a whole bunch of people the wrong way, and brought out the catty beasts in Claire, Lauren, and, once again, Whitney. A music-themed photo shoot showed Lauren's gift for making a red plastic mini look elegant, while the genres of R&B and country tripped up Aimee and Claire, respectively. In the end, Aimee was sent home, which is just as well as eventually there's going to be a nudie shoot and we've seen the "conflicted girl with morals won't disrobe" thing enough in seasons one through nine. Eight bitches remain!
In the limo ride home after the eliminations, Whitney notes her surprise at being called first, and says that she went from being called last to being called first in a week. She thinks that America, and America's Next Top Model, is ready for a plus-sized model to win the competition. Whitney, I hate to tell you, but this country only likes the reality TV fatties when they are being inspirational and losing buttloads of weight. But not so much weight that you look better than the rest of us. Dominique tells us that she doesn't see Whitney as a winner of the competition, or someone who will get far. She doesn't think Whitney has the "can do" attitude, which Dominique possesses in spades. Personally, I think Dominique has more of a "canned doo doo" attitude. There is some major stank in that manly countenance.
Back at the house, the girls read a sweet note from Aimee. Claire reminds us that she was in the bottom two last week, which was very nervewracking. We flash back to Claire doing a jump of joy when Tyra gives her a photo, which Lauren then mocks in an interview. Lauren wasn't expecting it, and says it was disrespectful. I agree! When you are not the bootee, you always must turn and sorrowfully hug the girl next to you who is going home before dolefully taking your photo from Tyra. It's like shaking hands at the net in tennis. Stacy-Ann tells us that Claire sometimes tries too hard and can be too over the top. Well! Isn't that veneer that has won Claire six straight Cover Girl of the Week designations starting to peel off! Or whatever veneer does. Claire says that the longer she stays in the competition, the more she'll get out of it, and the less guilty she'll feel for abandoning her baby. It's worth missing those first steps if you learn the correct application of a glamorous smoky eye, for sure.