America's Next Top Model

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If You Can't Make It Here, You Can't Make It Anywhere

Tyra Mail! "If you don't make it here, you won't make it anywhere. Love, Tyra." Tyra just told them the episode title! Meta! Dominique thinks that they're going to do something on Broadway, which is fine for her since her mom always told her she's a natural born actress. Yes, they're all going to have to pose as Broadway shows. Dominique, you'll be getting La Cage Aux Folles.

Oh! And then it's time for some sloppy sluttage. We focus in on the note, written on a paper towel, that says, "Please put dishes in dishwasher." Then we focus in on one dirty glass. Slobs! Lauren pours out the contents of the coffee press and washes it to make a fresh pot. Or press. Whatever. Fatima comes in and asks if anyone poured out her coffee. Lauren tells her that it just had grinds in it and/or a very teeny amount of coffee. Fatima wants Lauren to admit that she poured out her perfectly good coffee. Lauren isn't admitting to anything, nor is she taking Fatima's crap. Fatima really wants Lauren to apologize and tell her it was an accident, because accidents happen. Instead, Lauren decides to share the coffee she made. Well that's nice, isn't it! Lauren hands her the glass and says, "Here's your fucking cup of coffee, you big baby." Except that she totally did not say "big baby." It's like watching Goodfellas on the USA Network. The lips totally do not match up. Lauren clearly does, however, add a coda of, "Choke on it," and flips the bird. Well then!

Fatima tells us that you can't tell it by looking at her, but Lauren has a bad temper. You can certainly tell it by looking at her now. Gah! She's all wild-eyed and crazy-weaved. She storms over to Fatima and points her finger in her face, spews something vaguely unintelligible, and calls her a piece of shit. Oh my God, you guys. I think the spirit of the old Marvita is haunting Lauren!!! Any minute you know Miss J. is going to show up dressed as a priest. And then just make the girls walk the runway in nun habits, leaving poor Lauren to be possessed for another week. Fatima keeps her cool and tells Lauren it's sad to see her get so upset over nothing. She then interviews that Lauren acts like a little baby in front of the judges, which is true, but then when she gets home a monster comes out. And then her head starts spinning and she projectile vomits green stuff all over the place. Oh that irrepressible Lauren! Lauren tells Fatima that she hopes she realizes she's fuckin' lucky. Fatima is all, "The hell?" I love Lauren, but I have to admit that she's a little scary right now. And really, if we've learned one thing on this show it's that when you're having a disagreement, there's only one way to resolve it: pose-off! So save your vocal chords, ladies.

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America's Next Top Model

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