America's Next Top Model

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If You Can't Make It Here, You Can't Make It Anywhere

The girls stand before Ann Shoket, the editor-in-chief of Seventeen, to learn how their go-sees went. The designers thought that team one walked well and had terrific personalities, but they were lacking in personal presentation. Comb your hair, bitches! The Team Two girls were beautiful and had great photos, but they were lacking in personality and their runway needed a lot of work. Lauren totally dragged down their average. Team One wins the challenge. And Stacy-Ann booked the most jobs of anyone! Yay! I love her and feel like the editors are not doing her justice. Team One gets to be in a gorgeous summer beauty story for Seventeen. Claire is happy that her team won, but is bummed that she didn't get the individual kudos. Well, maybe you shouldn't have been so annoying, then.

Team One goes to Hearst Studio D, Seventeen's in-house studio. They put on some bathing suits for their summer beauty story. Dominique is so excited she has to fan herself. Or maybe she's finally realized that upper lip sweat is unbecoming.

Tyra Mail! "Put your best face forward but be careful not to get washed out. Love, Tyra." Anya thinks they're going through the car wash. Lauren needs it. She also feels like she's really behind the other girls, who have already mastered the art of bipedalism. She's trying to change and learn, but it's a process. The girls head to the site of their shoot, and the first thing they see is Mr. Jay, with a cable attached to his back, walking on a giant treadmill. Anya says, "He was walking, and walking. He looked like a robot. Like a silver robot." Like an orange robot with silver hair, is what she means. Some other folks hop up on the treadmill with him, then fall off at the end. On purpose. Mr. Jay starts running as, like, we hear Gregorian chants set to a techno beat or some shit. Then a big wall of boxes comes hurtling toward Jay, and he bursts through it. Bits of paper go flying everywhere. Well, that was the theatrical experience of a lifetime, wasn't it?

Jay tells them that they've just witnessed the metaphor for the day. They're all struggling here and there, and need to break through the wall to get to the next level of the competition. There is a hilarious clip where we see Jay from behind, motioning all around with his hand, and the sound is obviously a voice over. Fake Jay voice-over tells the girls that what they've just seen was a preview from the hit performance art show Fuerza Bruta, in which the performers use their bodies to evoke an emotional response from the audience. Oh, Lord. I'm sorry, but I hate that shit. I am not spending $120 to see you beat on a bucket. I want some fucking show tunes, or I'm staying home. Jay points upwards and tells the girls to take a look at what they'll be doing. All I know is that it involves writhing around on a suspended plastic thingy filled with water. They will be shot from below, the better to catch them in all their squashed-bug looking glory. And, they will have no hair or makeup products. It's all raw!

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America's Next Top Model

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