America's Next Top Model
J. Alexander

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Consumer Retorts

With that, there is Tyra Mail. In the photo that accompanies the Tyra Mail, Herself is wearing denim American flag shorts and holding a cowboy hat over her boobs. Is that always there? Does she not tyrannize us enough? In any case, the Tyra Mail reads, "Can You Translate Your Super Powers Into SUPER SALES? Fierce and Love, Tyra." Every word in the Tyra Mail is capitalized, like it's the title of a research paper or has been translated by a German. I would also give, like, the entirety of my pay for this recap to have one of the girls go, "I think the challenge has something to do with Soupy Sales!" And then they learn that they have to smize through the pies. Sometimes the alternative Top Model that happens in my head gets really interesting. The girls correctly assume that their superpowers are going to have something to do with the challenge, and then Kyle gets all pissy when someone says something about her being the girl next door. She's only the girl next door if the girl who lives next door is not there to make friends. Why does no one want a super power that involves being fresh-faced and pleasant?

The next day, the girls head to an office building, in which J. Alexander awaits. He introduces them to Martin Lindstrom, whose title has been upgraded to "Brand Futurist." The trick to consulting is to use a bunch of meaningless words in succession. It convinces people every time. I'll never forget the moment I first heard the word "calendarize." For to simply say, "I'll put that on the calendar," would not be impactful enough. Anyway, Lindstrom was of course on hand for the last all-star season, in which he espoused such helpful advice as telling Alexandra that people think she's "anorring." Martin, in his vaguely Nordic accent, tells the girls that this challenge is designed to make them brand spokespeople. I mean, not for actual brands -- that would be crazy. He uses Angelina Jolie as the example of a good brand spokesperson, I guess for the brand of "charity." You think of charity, you think of Angelina Jolie. She's now a spokesperson for The National Association of Pasty Legs, Dot Org.

So, for this challenge, the girls will have to develop their own TV commercials, for fake products that they're given. In the real world, Martin says, consumers make snap judgments, so this challenge is really about first impressions. The girls will have to use their personalities, such as they are, to sell some crap. The winner will get three diamond bracelets, plus a bonus diamond bracelet for each of her country-mates. Martin explains that the commercial will be one continuous (and may I add unscripted) take, and then the girls choose random boxes under which are their respective products. Azmarie gets ANTM glow-in-the-dark facial tissue. Sophie gets edible hand sanitizer. And so on, with each product having some weird bonus feature that would probably kill you.

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America's Next Top Model

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