America's Next Top Model
J. Alexander

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Consumer Retorts

Sophie is first up with her edible hand sanitizer. She's super perky, even through talking about how you can clean your face and your tongue with it. I probably would not recommend that. There's a little caption that flashes for a second saying, "Product claims in all commercials are strictly fictitious." So don't actually eat your hand sanitizer, morons! We see a flash of Catherine shilling her hair dryer with silent mode, and Alisha enthusiastically presents a TV dinner. Poor Ashley proves that she is not equipped to improvise about scented toilet paper as she says, "It's scented so your bum will be like...smelling nice and fresh, if you have a boyfriend." She then clarifies for us that her boyfriend does NOT smell her arse, despite what her mum and the rest of the world now thinks. Annaliese sells a universal remote control / weight with great aplomb. Martin says that she was amazing, and also a very good speaker.

With that, it's time for the Americans to do some selling. Seymone plays up the fiercely real angle as she sells some sort of vitamins. Azmarie suggests using glow-in-the-dark facial tissue for when you can't find your way to the bathroom in the middle of the night. See, that could be helpful, actually. But would you actually want to wipe your nose with it? That gets the glow-in-the-dark mechanism so close to your brain. Laura gets anti-bacterial trash bags and says, "Just pull one of these out, slip it under, and nobody has to know." So... wait. Is she advocating taking a shit in a trash bag? That... is psychotic. Alisha confirms for us that Laura is a bit gone with the wind.

Kyle is next, selling teeth-whitening breath mints. She reminds us that her superpower is Next-Doorsia, so people like her and she should be good at this. She first talks about cleaning your breath, then says that you'll get crispy-fresh breath. Annaliese compares her to toast with no butter, and nobody is particularly impressed. Except for Martin Lindstrom! Even though what Kyle was saying was junk, she was warm and relatable. I don't know, I think she had big ole' crazy eyes. Maybe people like that? Sophie does an excellent impression of Eboni in her commercial, which basically consists of her talking about how pretty she is. Finally, Candace shoots her commercial for breath-freshening coffee. She predicts that she will be terrible, and is. Eventually she runs out of ideas and just repeats the words, "Buy this coffee." That's one technique to win friends and influence people. Martin gives the girls good news: they did fairly well overall. However, there is bad news. Martin and J. are not the jury. Rather, there are REAL LIFE CONSUMERS (e.g., PEOPLE) who are going to evaluate the commercials in a focus group situation to see who made the best first impression. There is a LOT of grimacing happening as we head to commercials.

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America's Next Top Model

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