America's Next Top Model
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The credits for the E! True Hollywood Story come on and I realize that it has been years since I have watched an E! True Hollywood Story. But the unfamiliar graphics soon cut to a very familiar glamorous and ever-changing face. The THS voice-over guy says, "Supermodel. Super-sexy. Supercharged. Her name is Janice Dickinson, and she's got one hell of a story." And then, as if to assure us that this is no lie, we cut to Janice saying, "I was never able to go to my father and get a hug without thinking he was going to try to rape me. I'm lucky...that I didn't pick up a gun and blow his fucking head off." I mean...awesome. That sets the bar pretty high for the rest of the hour, but you know that if anyone can top the quotable Janice Dickinson, it is Janice Dickinson herself. As a few other preview bits come up, the words "Damaged," "Driven," "Self-Destructive," "Reconstructed," "In Your Face," appear on the screen. Mr. Voice-Over tells us that Janice runs at full throttle, and that it's one wild ride. And then in a shot that miraculously got by the FCC, we see Janice on the runway in a sheer shirt with her nipples proudly on display. Say what you want, but E! rules, and so does Janice Dickinson. I mean, actual nipples! Let the THS begin! We begin with clips of Janice that prove how outrageous she is. In one, she is desperate for sex from any available and moderately attractive man. In another, she says, "I'd better behave myself. IM-possible!" In another, she walks to the end of a runway and opens a jacket to reveal the aforementioned nipples, this time blurred out. And in another, she tells a woman that her breasts feel great, and that maybe she'll become a lesbian. Which...I know that she's kind of insane, but in all honesty I wouldn't mind having her on my team. She couldn't be worse than Portia de Rossi, right? In another clip, Janice says she needs an accounting firm to count up all the husbands and A-list actors she's had in her lifetime. Mr. Voice-Over says that one thing Janice is not is over the hill. A very pretty and elegant-looking Janice tells us that she just wrote an article for Harper's Bazaar about how fifty is the new thirty. Pictures of her flash and she looks just like Jane Seymour. Except that she's Dr. Dickinson, Self-Medicated Woman. Mr. Voice-Over tells us that Janice has been turning heads since the mid-'70s, when she broke the blonde chokehold on the fashion world. As if to prove this, we see Janice in a silver spacesuit yelling "ONE! TWO!" for what looks to be a Japanese commercial. Okay, then. We then see footage of her on a runway, which, in the typical style of THS, we will see over and over again during the next hour. And I think it's actually recent footage from a recent show, because she looks a little crazy, and quite possibly between rounds one and two of her plastic surgery. And it's a little sad that I have the kind of useless knowledge that allows me to identify that. But seriously, don't ask me to point to Idaho on a map, because I can't. This is what you get when you grow up as a latchkey kid. Anyway, while most of her counterparts faded from the spotlight, Janice "clung onto fame" with chicken-sized talons. At this, Beverly Johnson tells us that there's nothing Janice wouldn't do or say. Janice's tale is a classic one of sex, drugs, and disco, says Mr. V.O., but her high-wire act didn't come with a safety net. At times I think that Norman Mailer is secretly writing these things.
America's Next Top Model