America's Next Top Model
Janice Dickinson: Supermodel Out of Control

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Die, Motherfucker
And then, Dr. Phil. Janice appeared on an episode of his show to talk about plastic surgery. Dr. Phil was not impressed, and thought that Janice was having surgery to cover up how empty she was inside. Janice says, "And I told Phil he might want to try some hair plugs and to get some lipo himself." And if anyone has that tape, I will pay you a million dollars to send it to me. Okay, maybe not a million. But I will pay the postage! Because that is awesome. ["I don't have the tape, but I did see it, and it was awesome. No one tells Dr. Phil to shove it, and they should." -- Wing Chun] We suddenly cut to Miss Tyra Banks introducing the girls from America's Next Top Model onto a stage at an undisclosed location. Mr. V.O. tells us that Tyra liked Janice's brutal honesty and so signed her to be a judge on the show. On-air, Mr. V.O. says, Janice went all out, and to prove this we see a clip of her telling Season 3's Ann that her photo sucks. And that is a comparatively mild example of Janice's "brutal honesty." Janice says it's painful that people perceive her as a bitch who likes to cut up young models, but that's not the way she actually is, it's just her role on the show. And color me surprised that Janice gives a flying fig about popular opinion. If you're reading, Janice, we love you! A freaky-looking Tyra (who is wearing no eye makeup, which generally makes her look freaky) interviews that she had no idea that Janice was going to be quite so honest, but that it makes good television. She had to have Janice's back, she says, because "people love to hate Janice." Well, I love to love Janice so shut up, Tyrant. In a 2004 interview with the New York Times, Janice said that working with Tyra was arduous, and that she didn't agree with many of the concepts or choices on the show. A better-looking but oddly slouched Tyra interviews that everyone has different ideas about what does or does not make a good picture or model. Yes, but the crucial difference is that Janice's ideas are right. In February 2005, Janice turned 50 with no intention of slowing down. She finally made her feature film debut with a small part as an aging actress in the film Wassup Rockers. We see her playing with a guy's hair in the tub, and she slurs, "Let's make a Mohawk. Woo! I love bubbles." And it is apparent that (a) she can't act for shit, and (b) this film will be tagged with "From the writers of Smells Like Cupcakes." Terrible. In real life, Janice worked at her sobriety and tried to be the best mom possible for her kids. We see her with young Nathan in front of life-sized celebrity cutouts. She asks Nathan if he wants Cindy Crawford. He yells, "Mom, stop!" in that embarrassed kid way. She then finds the Sylvester Stallone cutout and says "Oh my God. Been there, done that." She says she knows she embarrasses her kids because she's loud and obnoxious, but that her heart's in the right place. Except when she's doped up on painkillers. ["And when she she has one too many 'procedures' and ends up with her heart in her esophagus." -- Wing Chun]

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America's Next Top Model

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