This music(ish)-filled episode begins with teddy bear wars, as Sophie grabs a very sentimental stuffed animal belonging to Laura. It was given to her by her friend who recently died, and so Laura does not react well to Sophie threatening to throw it in the pool. Somehow, though, Kyle gets blamed when the stuffed animal's ear gets ripped off. Not because she ripped it off, and not because she threw it in the pool, but because she kind of stirred up the pool water where the ear was floating, leading it to go further into the pool. I don't know, you guys. It is into this context that Lisa D'Amato enters, and challenges the girls to record and tape their own music video as competing girl groups. They have girl group mentors, the very difficult to understand Nadine Coye from Girls Aloud, and Jessica Sutta from the Pussycat Dolls, who Laura calls, "The best mentor you could possibly hope for." Somewhere, Joni Mitchell does not give a shit.
So, the songs appear to be already written this time, possibly excluding a little series of raps that the girls have to do, each expounding on their name in rhyming couplets. Pot Ledom is involved, I'm sorry to say. The Brits seem to have an edge at least in the recording, in part because Azmarie takes on a really weird "stylized" voice, and Kyle is a complete dullard. Before they can shoot a video, though, there is a very important lesson in booty tooching, taught by Tyra herself. Tyra introduces a "training tooch" string, like a training bra except it's padded underwear. Azmarie, being a self-professed grown-ass woman, is not having it and tells Tyra she's not putting on the butt pad. This is less noble in the context of all the other stupid shit she's already done, and I think we all can agree that no wannabe model is going to get away with making a stand for dignity to the Great and Terrible Tyra Banks. Tyra asks her to leave, because she "can't do this teach" without the training tooch.
So, the tooching lesson. There are good tooches and bad tooches. Hoochie tooches and poochie toochies and smoochie tooches and dookie tooches and goochie tooches and juicy tooches. It's like Tyra is rendering the whole English language meaningless in less than five minutes, isn't it? And then there's a smize dance, including a universal hand size for smizing. At this point in my viewing of this episode, I just slumped into a fetal position on my couch, basically.
Azmarie reintegrates with the U.S. girls later as they work on choreography, and then everyone heads to Playhouse Nightclub to shoot the videos. Again the Brits seem to pull ahead in their performance. Also, Kyle has crazy eyes and Azmarie's ego is getting on Jay's nerves. At panel, we see the two full videos. The song by the upcoming band "Fiercely British" is called "We'll Mash You Up," and basically everyone gets high praise for their performance and artful 15-second raps. The song by the new American sensation "United Sirens of America" is called "Stop, Drop, and Tooch." It sounds like a song written by machines and sung by undead zombies. Catchy, though. And it might be because I viewed this episode after working a 14-hour day, but at this point my notes actually say, "I am getting so much dumber right now."
The Brits are all called first, with Alisha being singled out for best performance of the week. Though Azmarie offers a half-hearted (read: not at all groveling) apology to Tyra for not wearing the training tooch, she is put in the bottom two along with Kyle. And in a bit of a shocker, it's Azmarie who is eliminated! This teaches us all a very important lesson: when in doubt, wear the butt pads.
Previously on America's Next Top Model: British Invasion: Despite allowing herself to be doused with maple syrup and fake leaves from Michael's craft store, Scottish Ashley got the boot. The bright side for her is that she got out before they started tooching. Five American bitches remain, along with four Brits!
The ladies return home post-panel to find a big ol' box of goodies in celebration of Eboni's best-of-week photo victory. The Brits try to sneak off with some of the gifts, but if you think Seymone is going to let anyone take tacky cheap crap that rightfully belongs to her, you are mistaken. Alisha holds up a notebook in the confessional upon which is written, "I'm not talking until I'm picture of the week Fuck's sake." Crickets chirp in response.
Meanwhile, Laura sits alone on the pool deck. She reminds us that just before she came on the show, her best friend Kevin died. It turns out that Kevin had given Laura a stuffed animal, which she then named Alan. I know that's an odd naming choice, but it really isn't relevant in this particular incident. Sophie wrenches Alan from Laura's hands, saying he needs a bath, and then runs down to the pool and dangles him over the water. Laura says that she will kill Sophie if she drops it, but at this moment it looks like everyone including Laura is just being dumb and goofing around. But then as Laura grabs Alan, his ear rips off in Annaliese's hand. Annaliese in turn drops the ear in the pool, and Laura starts wailing, "How can you guys do this to me waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" At this point, the others are still laughing and all hell has not quite broken loose.
And then Kyle, like, dips a foot in the water. Laura tells us, "As the ear fell in the pool, Kyle pushed it away. It was as if Kevin was being pushed away from me and there was nothing I could do to get him back." I think it's a testament to how hated Kyle is that she gets the bulk of the blame in this situation over someone who actually damaged the stuffed animal and threw its ripped ear into the water. I think she's annoying, too, but it seems a little unfair to blame her for 1) anything involving the stuffed animal; 2) the fact that Laura's best friend is dead. Laura cries and screams and walks away, and everyone is like, WTF? Sophie surmises that the teddy must have had sentimental value, and wonders what the hell she's done as we head into credits.
When we return, the drama continues. Laura lies in her bed with Alisha and Eboni comforting her, and tells them that Kyle is disgusting and she wants nothing to do with her. In turn, Kyle tells us that Laura is a complete psychopath. In Kyle's version of events, she was trying to get the ear out of the water. And...well, if that's the case it was a pretty halfhearted attempt. I personally think her toes were just hot. Laura then says that Kyle is dead to her. But not dead in a way that a teddy bear ear becomes representative of her spirit or whatever.