America's Next Top Model
Jessica Sutta and Nadine Coyle

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Spice Up Your Tooch

Then, of course, there are the right tooches. These include the classic Booty Tooch, the Side Tooch (the classic...to the side), the Goochie Tooch (which is appropriate for high fashion), and the Juicy Tooch (tooching in motion). Catherine points out that the Americans are superior in tooching, because it is our national characteristic to be able to pop out our bums. Must be all the growth hormones and pink slime. Tyra has exhausted her list of tooches, which means it's time to move on to the very special extra credit lesson: the Smize Dance. And oh my God, you guys. Tyra waves her hand by her face and says, "This is the universal sign for smizing." Wouldn't the universal sign for smizing be... smizing? The Smize Dance involves doing the universal sign for smizing while walking forwards and backwards. You know. Smize Dance. It's the postmodern high-fashion Hokey Pokey. SO editorial!

Back at the house, Azmarie rejoins the United Sirens of America for some choreography work. Eboni thinks that Azmarie has realized the error of her ways in rejecting the booty pads, and is feeling nervous for her. The collective reaction to the whole incident is basically a big, "Ooh girl, you shouldn't a done that." In the wee wee hours of the morning, the girls head to the Playhouse Nightclub, where Jay awaits them. This will be the location of their video shoot. Jessica and Nadine will be back on set to mentor them. I guess D'Amato was mentor enough in the recording studio. The director for the shoot is Tony Groll, who probably has some sort of training tooch-esque karma in his past that required him to take this gig.

Hair and makeup happens, and Jessica coaches the girls on how to make the most of being on camera. The Brits are the first to shoot the video for their single, "We'll Mash You Up." Can we all agree that there should be some reference to bangers in this song? Sophie is first to shoot her little rap about being Sophie, whilst applying Cover Girl lipstick. Sophie assures us that she's not a music video star, but she had a ton of fun. Then there's Annaliese, who is vintage Sporty Spice in her bit. Nadine Coyle is very impressed by Annaliese, and speaks in an accent that sounds like she's from the deep south all of a sudden. I should add that the chorus for "We'll Mash You Up" has lyrics including, "We're smoking, we're vogueing, we'll mash you up yeah yeah". Like complex, mid-career Paul Simon. Catherine is next, and has a cool elegant look that befits her lyrics about being Queen Catherine and belies her extensive tooching knowledge. Then there's Alisha, who is the cutest per usual. I just love her. Under Nadine's incomprehensible tutelage, the girls then shoot some group choruses and are apparently quite impressive overall.

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America's Next Top Model

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